Something new...

The numbers on his wristwatch wiggled with each second, and he thought he heard the ticking as a heartbeat. It would wear off soon enough. He would just close his eyes and make the world around him stop its noodly dancing. He leaned against the red brick wall and felt the cutting winter chill stroking his face.

The best part of it all was always this: closing his eyes and being transported to that cool April day at the park, with her hair fluttering in the breeze and her eyes sparkling with sunshine. It had been just yesterday, hadn't it?  All he had ever wanted in life encapsulated in one single moment: her wide, mischievous white smile; the marble skin; the aquiline nose he adored; her strong fingers intertwined with his. The seemingly shy eyes with their feathery lashes. He knew there was fire in them and made it his life's goal to be consumed by it. That certainly happened, as his current state proved, but back then, just yesterday, he hadn't understood what he was wishing for. Back then, just yesterday, the backbone of the future was healthy and steadfast. Back then, just yesterday, she perfectly mimed the language of love and he lit up like a human torch.

"Let's get out of here."

Had it really been that long?

"Tito, let's go... it's getting really cold, man."

"Okay." He opened his eyes slowly and realized dusk had been replaced with a full moon.

"You're gonna have to help me with her, though. She's gone," his friend said, pointing at a figure laying down in the middle of the football field. Gradually, he came to his feet and started walking towards her, steadying himself by using his friend almost like a cane.

"What did you give her, Ralph?

Ralph's reply was cut short by her cackle. They walked on until they got to the middle of the field. He looked down at her and saw his guilt reflected on her haggard face--he had done this to her, just like it had been done unto him.

"Dammit, Tito, why are you so damn tall? You look like a goddamned giant from here! Come on, let's watch the colors in the sky... isn't it called Aurora something?"

"Come on, Roma, get up." It sounded ridiculous, no matter how many times he said her "name". "No Aurora Borealis in this part of the world."

"What's that?" grunted Ralph as he tried to lift her up. He didn't feel like explaining the concept. Putting an arm around each of their necks, she was dragged across the astro-turf field and the school parking lot. Her oily hair complimented the stale smell of cigarettes and sweat emanating from her. It made his stomach turn. He started wondering if he smelled like that to normal people. As they reached the car, she pulled him down by the neck and kissed him, making him shudder. But he had done this to her, so what could he do? Just timidly close his mouth shut and wait for her to pull away.

With her on the back seat, he asked Ralph to drive because he was still a bit too dizzy. Ralph turned up the radio and started rapping along. He hated it.

"Turn it down, man."
"Where do I take you two?"
"Not to the same place..." he looked back at her. She was sleeping. "Let's drop her off at her mom's. Then I'll take you home."
"Nah, take me to my parents'... it's Christmas Eve, I gotta pay them a visit," Ralph chuckled.
He looked at Ralph in disbelief, "okay".

It was hard for him to take that drive to her mom's house, but he knew she had nowhere else to go now and that he definitely didn't want to be around her right now. But the dread of driving by his own parents' house invaded him, even though he swore he didn't care what they thought. They knew his car, what if they were outside on the driveway, just coming home from church or something? They would see a stranger driving the car and himself on the passenger side, unshaven and gaunt.

"What time is it, anyway?"
"8:35"

His parents would still be at church. It was safe.

The streets hadn't changed much: neatly manicured lawns, American flags, inviting porches, jolly Christmas lights mocking him. Before he knew it his house had come and vanished before his eyes and he had only caught a blurry glance of his mother's rosebushes and the silhouette of the robust Christmas tree visible from the living room window. A tingling sensation ran through his body along with the sinking of his heart. For a second he was sorry Ralph had been driving so fast through the neighborhood.

"Hey, slow down... this is a quiet subdivision..."

The pavement was smooth and the mailboxes shiny under the moonlight... nothing like where he lived now--or stayed, rather. He wouldn't call it living. He started remembering all those Christmas Eve feasts: glazed turkey, spicy tamales, golden brown apple pies. Back then, just yesterday.

"When was the last time you saw your parents, T?"
"I--"
"Where we going? Take me home!"
"We're taking you to your mom's, Roma."
"No... take me to my apartment."
"You don't have an apartment anymore, remember? They kicked you out on Monday."
"Don't you fucking take me to my mother's house!"
"You have nowhere else to go", he said, not even looking back at her, but he could feel her eyes drilling the back of his head.
"Fine. Give me a lighter."

He searched his pockets to no avail and then thought he might have put a lighter in the glove box, so he opened it carelessly, causing all its contents to spill on his lap and on the car floor. He hurried to shove things back into the compartment but stopped when he found a CD case that caught his attention.

"Pull over here, Ralph, I will walk. It's only half a block."
"No, lemme take you--"
"I said pull over, dammit! I don't want her to see me with him. She hates him." It always made him feel better to know that Roma's mother hated him. It was like paying his dues for what he had done to her.

Roma fumbled out of the car and shut the door with all her might. She knocked on his window and he rolled it down unwillingly. He knew she was about to make him pay for not wanting to take her with him.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you... She had her baby. They're really happy. It was a girl. They named her Sasha. What kind of name is that?" she scoffed.
"Go home, Mickey."
"That's not my name."
"Mickey, please..."
She showered him with profanity and kicked one of the car wheels. He saw he walking away sloppily. Who was she? It couldn't possibly be the girl with the frizzy brown hair and the braces who had just yesterday promised him she would help him forget. This woman with her unkempt black bob and her stale scent had dived into the abyss to try to rescue him only to find herself even deeper in darkness. At least he could still afford to pay a raggedy room in the bad side of town. She had nothing left. She had left everything behind to follow him, even her own name. He had dragged her down with him in his quest for revenge against himself and now she was broken beyond repair, just like him. And, despite of it all, she still loved him--he was well aware of that. Or was it love? Did love cause you to lose yourself? Did it throw you in a whirlwind of self-destruction? What was that thing his mom used to say about love-- "it endures all things"?  So this must be love. And what his mother felt for his elusive, neglectful, workoholic father was love. And what he felt once must have been so, too.

"Man, ya'll with your high school drama. It's been like five years..."
"Are we almost at your parents'?" he replied impatiently.

Yes, he had loved. So purely and so deeply. He had never been the kind of person to inspire pity: majestically tall and strong, with the air of confidence of an Olympian and a smile worth a million bucks. A star athlete, a star student. He could have chosen any girl. But she was his Delilah. She shaved off his mane, leaving him blinded and weak. He hated her because she had always known what she wanted and how to achieve it, and what she wanted had never been him. He hated her because she was happy and probably had a nice white house with blue shutters or whatever and a lovely marriage that made people sigh and now she had this baby that probably had her hazel eyes and feathery lashes. He always thought he'd go find her once he got really messed up and force her to look at him and tell her it was all her fault, but she had moved away to France because her big-shot husband had gotten a job there. So she had broken him beyond repair and he couldn't even flaunt that on her face.

"All right, man... do you think you'll be okay to drive?"
"Yeah."
"Cool..."
"Hey Ralph," he broke as he walked around the car to get behind the steering wheel, "what's your real name, man?"
"Why do you care?"
"Because... because you're my friend."
"My name is Ralph. That's all you need to know. I don't go around asking you questions, do I?"
"But I've known you for like three years--"
"Get home, Tito. Merry Christmas."

Before he drove off, he looked down to where he had put that CD case that had caught his attention and, taking it up, he read: "Enjoy! -C". Suddenly, he knew exactly where to go.


******************************TO BE CONTINUED***********************************