HELLO, 2018 ENTHUSIASTS! How do I know you are a 2018-enthusiast, you ask? Well, you are a person who is alive in this year. That pretty much means you qualify. Anyway, since it is imperative that I avoid doing any real work this evening, let me flood you with a slew of nonsensical New Year's resolutions.
NUMBER THE FIRST: Buying a piano.
Spending a thousand dollars on an electronic piano (otherwise known as an expesive-ass keyboard) will ensure that I discipline myself enough to practice my scales every day. "C-dawg, you can't not practice tonight... you spent bloody ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS on this gadget!". It will work just as well as my 18-month membership to Gold's Gym! I mean, have you seen my muscles?!?!?!?
NUMBER THE SECOND: Beach body!!
Let me clarify: I do have a beached body. I would like a beach body. I will accomplish this by finally turning up at the gym two months before my 18-month contract expires, eating industrial amounts of protein, and then complaining that society is too focused on unattainable beauty standards that objectify women.
NUMERO TRES: Finding the positive everywhere.
That should be easy, right? Everyone is obviously doing it! I see it on all of your social media accounts, ya'll. You guys are turning herpes into beautiful unique stripes, like those of a majestic Bengal tiger, and diarrhea into organic fuel and eco-friendly flower food. I want to be like that. I want to leave this God-forsaken world where all these refugees drown and Donald Trump tweets at 3 in the morning and go hang out in gorgeous wheat fields and white-sanded beaches that are riddled with inspirational #wordporn. I hereby declare that every time I am drowning in paper work at 6pm on a Friday night at a school where they turn off the A/C after 5, I will play some Tina Turner and dance around the room, praising life for a fulfilling job.
FOUR OR WHATEVER: Be more compassionate and kind.
When another student asks me "what do you mean a verb?" or exclaims in disbelief as did the previous ten students that walked in before him, "we have a test today??!!" I will not clench my fists. I will not clench my jaw. I will not clench my arsehole. I will smile and nod and tell myself softly, "they are just little. This one just turned 16 last week". I will then levitate to my desk and do yoga for five minutes while they obediently do their warm ups. I will go home at 2:45 every day to meditate for two hours and will my head follicles to resurrect and produce lusciously thick Indian hair.
FIVER: Open my heart and date!
Michael Phelps will have nothing on me because I will turn dating into an Olympic sport! I will finally listen to everyone around me and ditch my ridiculously impossible standards, loosen up, and be the little dainty lady I was always meant to be. It will be like being a newborn baby all over again, except with boobs and a moderate laugh. The creepers of the internet never had it so good!
SIX: Lock it down, fam!
From the pool of men I meet after marathon-dating, I will choose the one who showers most often and marry that sucker. My momma ain't turning younger. She needs grandkids! Plus, someone has to pay for that ridiculously expensive piano I just bought!
LUCKY NUMBER SEVEN: Buy a house!!
I will stop worrying about crippling debt and a 30-year commitment to pay off ridiculous amount of money and just YOLO this shenanigans. There will be shutters, a picket fence, mold hidden behind the walls. I will not chicken out like the last time I was about to buy a house (oh yeah, I almost bought a house, ya'll... but I chicken out...not gonna happen again). This house will literally become the inspiration for me to go to work every morning and to never let my clean yet creepy husband touch me after the second kid (we are Catholic, people. That's how things work). I'll be living the dream.
So, 2018, I am coming for you! All of you, brace yourselves. I have clearly lost my GD mind.
-Cris
