Tired

 

My senior year in high school was probably the worst year of my life. A lot of things happened to me that would qualify as earth-shattering by teenage standards. My boyfriend and I broke up. That sucked. My life was about to change. And I didn't know what to do with myself--yes, college, but where? what major? You know, normal teenage angst. But I was holding it all in just fine because I still had the one pillar of my life that just kept me from falling apart... and no, I am not speaking about my family here.

My best friends.

I was a teenager, and that's what teenagers do: they think their parents hate them and they worship the ground their best friends walk on. But one day during my senior year, I saw something. I was on the bus, on my way home, on a regular Wednesday afternoon. And, from the bus window, I saw them: my best friends, and my other friends, all getting in someone's car, without me. I watched them talking and laughing, almost in slow motion, and getting in the car, a car ride to which I wasn't invited. And I knew. I knew that the nagging feeling I had been getting the past few months wasn't just me being paranoid or insecure. I knew that they were purposely not including me. I knew that this car wasn't just a ride somewhere, but a metaphorical departure in which I had been left behind. That day, when I got home, I went up to my bedroom, curled up in a ball, and cried--no, sobbed--myself to sleep. 

And I wasn't wrong. Things deteriorated quickly after that. By the time I was a freshman in my local community college, my former best friends were now hanging out with my turd ex-boyfriend on the regular. How do I know this? Because, even though none of them were actual faithful Catholics, they all showed up to Sunday mass one day, together. Knowing I would be there. Showing no respect for the mass. Just there so I could see them all together, without me. 

I cried the whole mass. The lady next to me tried to console me, even though she didn't know what was happening.

So, yes, when my two best friends suddenly decided I was no longer required, my pillar fell apart, and my life crumbled. And I was very angry and very sad for a long time. The heartbreak of losing them was ten times worse than the heartbreak I had felt over my boyfriend (who I thought had been the "love of my life" up to that point *scoffs*). 

And my heart was so wounded for such a long time that I forgot how to love friends--how to truly love them. I put up walls around my heart, and I writhed in my misery and my depression. For a long, long time.

Until I decided, years later, to give it all up to the Lord. To let Him take care of that heartbreak. And He did, of course. Time was my best ally, as well. My heart slowly healed and I allowed people back in, first as a trickle, and then as a stream. Some people stayed, some people left, but overall I seemed more or less okay, even when people disappointed me or abandoned me. Because my core was still left untouched, and the people who decided to stay made a dwelling in that core and protected it.

That is, of course, until now. I never thought I'd go through that again. Moreover, I would have never imagined that my response to a friend-breakup would be identical to what it was 17 years ago. It's crazy. Just when you think you've grown so much over the years and matured in your relationship with God, yourself, and others, you find yourself being a total devastated adolescent who cannot cope with the loss of two friends who meant to the world but who no longer want to associate with you. It's brutal. I let these people in... very deep. I thought they'd be part of those loves who dwell around my core and protect it. But they infiltrated the inside just to destroy it, to break me from within. I watched them interact with each other--these two people whom I introduced and forced into a friendship by virtue of always having them around each other since they were my friends-- watched them become the best of friends, watched them ignore me, disregard me, avoid my gaze, walk in front of me, never think about me, not have a shred of consideration toward me, never pick up my phone calls, never answer my messages, use any and every excuse available to not be around me. I watched them text each other in front of me when they interacted with me, and giggle, probably at my expense. I watched them in disbelief, almost as if I was having an out-of-body experience,  because my heart can't bear the pain. I watched them be unnecessarily cruel toward me, when just a few months ago they were part of "my all."

And suddenly I am in high school again. I am that girl, on her bedroom floor, sobbing, feeling her heart being ripped to shreds. Because two people whom I thought would be a part of my life forever won't be. Because two people who I've given all my love to do not love me back. At all. In the least. I'm a nuisance to them. I am a bother. Someone to avoid. Someone who prevents them from having a good time. One of them, in fact, only has a disdainful look for me, as if I'm the one who's mortally wounded her. And I sit here and I wonder what I've done wrong, and come to the conclusion that calling people out on their shit and inviting them to be a better person must be a crime because that is the only way in which I think I've "failed" them. That's what I get for trying to be a damn moral guide and not coddle and love everyone "just as they are," right? 

I can't do anything. I can't study. I can't focus. I can't clean or cook. All I can do is sit here and nurse this pain, hold the pieces of my shattered heart in my arms because there's no one else to do it. I can't believe this is happening and I can't believe I don't have the gumption or determination or self-love to just get over it. It's broken me. I'm broken, I'm not me anymore. Just a basket case. Over two people I met a year ago. Sad and pathetic, indeed. Why can't I just let it go? Yes, it's unfair, but I daresay it won't be the last time something unfair happens to me, right? So what, Lord God, needs to happen so that I can let this go and not hurt this way anymore?

I'm so tired. 

My brothers

If you know me well enough, you know that I'm not the type of person whose faith waivers... except for one instance. There is one thing in my life, so deeply intertwined with my innermost being, so fundamentally a part of who I am, so devastatingly gut-wrenching and heartbreaking that has the power to turn me into an atheist: Daniel. 

Daniel was born into this world to a family that deeply, deeply wanted and loved him. He was the gift, the fruit of our new life in America, being born a little over a year after we had made the move across the border. He was the perfect baby--sweet, happy, beautiful, full of life. He was going to be the baby of the family, he was going to be Ceci's little best friend, and JP's buddy (now there were going to be two girls and two boys in our family!). I'm sure we all had great hopes and dreams of what our lives were going to be like with this little bundle of joy with enormous cheeks and a gummy smile. And there's been joy, of course, especially the first few years. 

But as he grew older, the autism got more and more severe... and the joyful moments became more sparse. The pain--the absolutely profound sorrow--only grew with every birthday, with every missed milestone, with the sobering reality that his autism wasn't going to be the type they make movies about. The heartbreak when we realized he would never speak. The devastation when he started hurting himself. The sheer fear when we realized just how much he could physically hurt us during a crisis. 

And God's silence. God's silence for 16 years since Daniel's diagnosis. 

Autism is the type of cross you wouldn't wish upon your worst enemy. It's the nightmare in which you watch your loved one drown while you're unable to save him. We each watch Daniel suffer, imprisoned in his mind, unable to tell us what he needs, what's wrong, what hurts. I've heard it described by high-functioning autism patients as having your brain light up on fire due to overstimulation and wanting to distract yourself from the excruciating pain that causes by diverting your attention to a different source of pain (thus the brutal self-beatings). We've seen Daniel break through a wall with his head, with his torso. We've seen him punch himself until his face is bruised and his hands swollen. We've felt his nails digging into our skin. We've gone back to work or school the next day with bruises and cuts on our arms. We've watched him cry, utterly distraught, once his brain calms down and he realizes what he's done. Reader... it's very much a never-ending nightmare, especially for my parents.

This has been the cross God deemed fit for our family. And we do a very poor job dragging it around. It has unleashed a lifetime of sadness, mental illness, division, resentment, belligerence, and heartbreak upon our family. And God remains silent. The healing, the miracle, never came.

More often than not, I have to make the decision not to think about it. Because, when faced with God's strange indifference over this, I want to scream at Him and figuratively fist-fight Him. It makes me want to run away from Him, to want to punish Him with my disdain (as if a meager human being could punish the God of the universe). Because I don't understand it. I don't comprehend--I cannot fathom why He has allowed this to happen to our family. And the truth is that I never will--until (and only if) I get to heaven (the verdict still out on that one). 

So yes, reader... my coping mechanism is complete avoidance. I compartmentalize so hard that I can go a whole day or two without thinking about my family. And I know what this makes me... a selfish prick. Yes, I'll be the first one to admit it. It's the only way I've found to survive. It's also the only way I've found to preserve my faith because the reality is, I love God so deeply that the thought of Him ignoring our prayers and not helping us with this breaks my heart more than I can endure. 

But in the last several hours I've been thinking (and arguing with God) about all of this... and it seems that the most I'll get from Him is, "you don't understand now, but one day you will understand." And then, in his ever-gentle demeanor, He offers the consolation that is my other brother, Deacon Juan Pablo, a.k.a. the greatest pride of our family. Because what can be greater than to offer to God a son who will serve Him, whose heart will be configured to the heart of His own Son, Jesus Christ? What an honor! How many families have that privilege? How many families will have a son to give to the Church? We are blessed indeed. It is not lost on me the great source of consolation that my brother's vocation has been for our family. And, while I might not understand why God didn't want to help us with Daniel's autism (or at least in the way we wanted Him to), I am not unaware of the other countless ways in which He has helped us--has helped me. 

So, those are my brothers. One, the source of the greatest joy of our life, the other, the cause of our greatest sorrow. Neither one of them is fully in charge of that, I realize--and I'm sure neither want of them is super psyched of having that responsibility. It is significant, however, that Daniel's 18th birthday and Juan Pablo's diaconate ordination happened in the same week. That's a God-incidence for sure. 

In the midst of all that, I, once again, consistently fail to give my family much of anything--joy, consolation, support, etc. With so very little to contribute, I'm lucky they still call me to invite me over once in a while (though really that's just my mom). I often wonder if they would be better off if I'd just got lost, really... but I stick around for the sake of my mom. Maybe one day I'll be useful enough to actually alleviate the suffering of my family--or to be a source of consolation like JP is. 

In the meantime, I thank God for the gift of my brothers--even when it's harder to thank Him for one. 

Ramblings, Part the First.

 

My fingertips have been itching to write for weeks now, and today it has gotten to the point where I rather be sleep-deprived in the morning than wait another day. But most of the ideas that come to mind are ranty... so I'm going to write a series of posts about these ramblings.

Here we go...

The topic that every conversation always gravitates toward: My love life. Ah, yes... my love life is truly much like the Loch Ness monster: for something that is completely non-existent, it sure does get a lot of publicity, and people talk about it way too much. 

The general consensus seems to be that I am entirely overshooting, that I need to be given a reality check--an intervention, even--to bring me down to earth, to make me see that I am asking for too much or that my standards are too high. 

In short, I am being constantly bombarded with the idea that I, in fact, do not deserve what I hope for. Read that again. That is what the people in my life are constantly suggesting, directly and indirectly. Take the time to really mull over that, reader, because it means, at its core, that the people who are supposed to love me don't think I'm that great. A crude way of saying it would be "you are just a fat, bald, difficult, tomboyish old spinster. You don't get to be picky. Other people get to be picky because they're fit, or young or have a lovely personality. But you don't. Pray for a man, keep the first one that comes your way--never mind if he's not attractive, just pray that he's a good dude--and thank the heavens for the miracle."

That's what I hear from you, family member, "friend," acquaintance, mom...

That's what you're saying to me when you say I'm too picky, or I'm too superficial, or I'm too difficult, or I'm delusional. You are telling me that other people get to choose their life partner based on an initial attraction that produces a spark that then blossoms into love... but I don't get that... because I don't deserve it.

And trust me, reader, I am painfully aware--PAINFULLY--of my physical, psychological, intellectual, and emotional shortcomings. Even so, dare I hope that maybe, just maybe, there's a God out there that may love me enough to give me a man I won't be repulsed by. Or maybe God isn't gonna give me ANY man. But I know for a fact he's not gonna give me a man I can't stand to kiss and touch, a man with whom I can half-ass life. So, when people make these comments to me... what I really want to say in reply is "wow, you are a turd."**

**What I really, really want to say is actually "wow, you're being a piece of shit right now," but I was trying to keep it clean. Oh well.

Because, truly, when is it ever okay to say you love somebody and want them to be happy only to turn around and tell them "BUT YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT MUCH. YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH." I beg your unbelievable pardon? The hell with you!

Do you think I don't see the rolls of fat, the double chin, the receding hairline? Do you think I don't see the wrinkles, the dark circles, the white hairs? Do you think I don't notice the quirks, the vast differences between myself and other beautiful women? Why rub it in? What can you possibly get out of reminding me? And how do you think exactly that it will change my mind about what I want in life? BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, do you really think that calling me "superficial" really adds anything to my self-esteem? Do you think it will make me "snap out of it" and run into the arms of the next man that looks my way? SHAME ON YOU ALL. You legitimately make me sick, and sometimes I wish I didn't have to ever talk to some of you again. Truly... you suck. 

So I pray to God, with all my might, that there will be a day in which He does me the kindness of putting all these people to rest. That I will either find the man He has reserved for me, whom I find attractive not just because of his appearance but also because of his heart, or that He will give me NO MAN AT ALL. But I beg of Him that he'll never let me settle. That's right, world. I rather be a spinster. A thousand times over. I rather die alone than ever be with a man out of desperation or loneliness.

The craziest part is that all these comments come from people who are (or have been) married. So reader, if you are one of these people who's ever said something like this to me, I beg you to consider: is it fair for you to get judgmental of me while you got to marry the man of your dreams (even if he turned out to be the man of your nightmares)?

In conclusion, leave me the unbelievable hell alone. You don't have to worry about me ending up alone. You don't have to worry about my happiness--the part of my happiness that you're responsible for, the one in which you love me and encourage me, you're already doing a horrible job at, so you worrying about my future isn't going to make a difference. You're not gonna be there to take care of my old ass. Most of you aren't even capable of checking up on me now, whenever it really matters. So, let it go. This isn't your fight.

Oddly enough, this is a good enough segue to my next rant:

I am so sick and tired of having one-sided friendships. Like, shit... enough is enough. I think the biggest reason why I have struggled so much with Elena being in the convent these past three years has been because I get this sense that I have no one else to turn to--not really. Don't get me wrong, I seem to have 
"plenty of friends," but the friends who are actually really good at checking up on me and being there for emotional support have very busy lives and I don't get to see much of them, and the ones that I get to see more often seem frankly hellbent on just taking, taking, and taking. 

Now, you might think I'm exaggerating, and I may very well be... but if I get on a car wreck and NO ONE asks me how I'm feeling the next day, this is a problem. I feel like I would at least invest 30 seconds to check up on a friend if she had been rear-ended the day before, no? Is that truly expecting too much?  Yet here we are. No texts, no visits, no effort--not just this time, but consistently. The moment I get too busy or too depressed or too in my head, everyone goes mute, and the reality of the matter rears its ugly head: if I'm not putting in the work, the other person isn't either. AT ALL.

Should I conclude that I am legit unlovable? I kind of want to. Again, my mind goes to the thought that I just am not enough--for a man or for my friends. Or do I need better friends? Are there even any people out there looking for friends? I don't know, man. It's hard because I keep trying to remind myself that perfection isn't attainable and that I myself aren't the perfect friend either... but I can't shake off this feeling that people just don't care. Someone needs some happy pills, eh?

In conclusion, I'm tired of feeling used. I'm tired of feeling unloved and uncherished. I wish God's love was enough for me. I wish I didn't need another human being at all, but I was not made to be a hermit, I'm afraid. So I wander around this world looking for someone who not only will let me love them but who also will make the damn effort to reciprocate. 

But, Lord, if I'm not exhausted of this life, ya'll. Don't worry--no plans to give up on living just yet. But it is so hard to keep going when there's so little light. Luckily for me, I have the solid prayers of a few good people keeping me afloat. If you are one of those--thank you. 

May God forgive me for selfishly craving attention and recognition and love. Jesus have mercy of me, a sinner. 

Anatomic Poetry

 

Sinus rhythm

All fine and dandy

Utterly unaware

Of its own monotonous routine

Until one day

Green eyes glimmer from across the room

SA node throbs

T A C H Y C A R D I A

“I have called this emergency meeting”

The brain croaks in a deep voice

“To get the situation under control”

The SA node blushes, the Purkinje fibers groan.

“We know full well 

She cannot take another myocardial incident.

So I need your full cooperation

To get things back to our dull configuration.”

The larynx obeys—

She won’t call out his name

The legs lock in place—

She won’t casually walk his way.

The heart though…

Commands the eyes to watch

Lest they miss a glimpse of emerald 

Lest he smiles her into 

A tragic

Beautiful

Warm

Arrhythmia.

Heart Failure

 

I

am sick.

Desperately sick

feverishly sick

ravenously sick

They say it's my heart

that it can't go on like it has

that it's been just too much 

too long

It's rare, maybe congenital 

it is strained

the muscle overstretched 

does not function properly

How could it, really?

it has loved wrongly

it has hoped blindly

it has trusted foolishly

And it just cannot take it anymore

the silence

the coldness

the lack

This existential myocarditis 

I'm told I don't have much time

There's either a full transplant

or letting myself die--

So, do I choose to stay me 

and bleed

or have a change of heart

and never feel

I am sick.

Brutally sick

Perpetually sick

Exhaustingly sick

And I just don't want to be.