1. Acronyms are idiotic. They are confusing and it takes longer to explain them than to just say the words. I just felt like I had to get that out there.
2. The comforting thought of being a national of the World's fattest country living in the World's second fattest country. Who can blame me? I got both Nature AND Nurture against me!!!!
3. Eaves-dropping at its worst:
Man: have you seen her? She must have been walking around here. She's small and has dark hair.
Me: Oh, you lost your dog?
Man: No... my girlfriend.
Man: she's small, has dark hair. A nice body. Fake boobs.
4. Drinking tea with milk and sugar makes you a douchy snob if you're not in the UK, or so I hear. I'm sorry that I'm better than you and I have traveled the world (sort of) and I appreciate that tea doesn't give me putrid breath like coffee seems to do to everyone else. What's that you say? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of my sipping my delicious Early Grey from my delicate fine-china teacup while listening to Chopin on my 1920s gramophone. Besides, the Countess Dowager was telling me the funniest story about how her silly late-husband shot one of the servants accidentally once.
5. People working in the restaurant industry win heaven by martyrdom of the customer service type.
Man: hello, I'm calling because I found you online and I'm looking for a place to eat. What kind of burgers do you have?
Me: OH, I DON'T KNOW, THE KIND WITH THE DEAD COW AND THE BREAD AND THE FATTY CHEESE THAT WILL BLOCK YOUR ARTERIES?
Me (what I actually said): what do you mean what kind of burgers, sir?
Man: yeah, what kind? I'm looking for something to eat. Are your burgers good?
Me: SURELY NOT SIR, THEY ARE A MOUTHFUL OF HORSE SHIT.
Me (what I actually said): Yes, they are good. We have cheeseburgers, and bacon burgers, and barbecue burgers...
Man: but how good are they? If I'm going to drive all the way to your restaurant I need to know if it's worth it. I need you to make me want to.
Me: MAKE YOU WANT TO WHAT? I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS WAS A SEX HOTLINE.
Me (what I actually said): Well, they are good burgers, we've been here for 30+ years, I don't know what else you want me to say...
Man: well, I'm just looking for something good and exotic.
Me: THIS IS A CLASSIC AMERICAN FOOD RESTAURANT, NOT A THAI MASSAGE PARLOUR.
Me (what I actually said): well, we sell burgers, sir, it doesn't get any less exotic than that....
Man: okay.Thanks. *HANGS UP*
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