HELLO, FRIENDS!
Well, what an absolute waste of creative energy this quarantine has proven to be! I wish I could tell you that I have been working on the next great American novel since I stopped going to work in March. Alas, I'm afraid that the bulk of my life has remained quite unremarkable and actually a bit silent for the last few months--well, at least it was until the beginning of this month.
July has turned out to be a whirlwind of events and emotions--and not necessarily all in a good way. A lot of very difficult, life-altering decisions have been made this month, and I must be honest in the fact that, despite having a bit more clarity about what I am going to be doing in the near future and about the direction my life is taking, I have not had a chance to sit down with it long enough to figure out if I feel peace about my choices. This might seem alarming, especially if you're into the discernment stuff (and I know I am).
But, quite frankly, I am not too worried about it yet because the reality is that I just have not had time to process things right now. There are quite literally hundreds of things that need to get sorted before I can officially embark on this new life adventure. So, I am required much doing at the moment--and reflecting has taken a back seat for now. In a way, this is not all bad, particularly when I consider how much my overthinking and anxiety tend to get in the way of my making decisions.
Before I continue shrouding everything with vagueness, let me explain what's going on: after much thinking and exploring, I have decided, dear reader, to leave my profession in teaching, renounce the lifestyle I have grown used to (ya know, the kind that allows you to constantly treat yourself, travel every year, and just be super financially stable, while also allowing you to be off on weekends, holidays, and the summer), and put myself through the stress and exhaustion of another degree.
I am going to be a nurse, ya'll. God willing.
This is a very exciting and scary time for me. I have quit my teaching job and taken a job as a retail employee of a large supermarket, where they definitely get their money's worth off me by having me bust my fragile and bougie butt restocking shelves for eight hours a day. I will be making only 30% of what I was making as a teacher, which is terrifying considering I will still have to pay for rent, food, bills, and gas. I'm basically resigning myself to the fact that there won't be any more eating-out, trips, new clothes, or ways to treat myself other than a walk in the park once in a while.
And then, of course, there will be the stress and the tiredness of going to school full time--and in the medical sciences, of all things. I have heard the stories. I know what awaits me, and I am scared. Very scared. I haven't really been a full-time student since 2014, and back then I was living off my student loan and not having to work to make ends meet, so that ended up being a very pleasant experience. Plus, I was still twenty-something. Now I am older, less healthy, more tired, and more financially burdened. I am aware this is a huge, dangerous gamble.
You might be wondering, reader, what has gotten into me? You might be thinking that it is so reckless of me to be doing all of this. You're probably right, friend. In the middle of a global economic crisis, in the midst of a global pandemic, why would I leave all comfort and security behind to pursue a career that is difficult, demanding, physically tiring and emotionally exhausting? You would be right in accusing me of being a looney.
But think of what it feels like when people ask you "so, where do you see yourself in ten years?" and your response is "nowhere." Consider what it's like to think about your future and only see fog ahead. That's what my life has been for a long time now, especially since I became a teacher. I knew I couldn't see myself doing it for the rest of my life, but I honestly didn't know what else I could do. That lack of direction didn't bother me too much, particularly when I used to think that I would eventually get married and have kids. I didn't really mind what my job would be because I knew I would primarily be a wife and a mother (and I was very much looking forward to that). But in the last two or three years, as my desires and dreams have changed, I gradually realized that, with marriage and motherhood out of the picture, I couldn't just allow myself to settle with a career that was okay-ish but didn't really make me happy.
And I know it's crazy that teaching didn't make me happy. It's a beautiful profession. It's physically and mentally demanding. It requires a great deal of grit, passion, dedication, and empathy. Moreover, people tell me constantly that I'm a good teacher (though I am inclined to believe they are just being nice). What's not to like, right? I wish I could tell you, reader. The only thing I can say is that it just isn't for me. I've spent a lot of time thinking that there must be something wrong with me in order to not enjoy this line of work. Maybe. But even then, I don't think it's fair to punish myself by continuing to work as a teacher when I get very little joy out of it.
And I also can't tell you that I won't change my mind later. I can't even tell you that this vocational change will set me up for life. I might go through this whole thing only to discover I ought to be a trapeze artist for the circus.
But if I don't do anything about it because I'm not 100% sure of something and there aren't any guarantees that it will work, then I will end up exactly in the same place and just do nothing. I'll watch life pass me by knowing that it could have been worse... but it also could have been better. I know I enjoy biology and human anatomy, and I am fascinated by medicine and curing people. I know that I like to help others, and that I like working with my hands. Thus, I am going into this new opportunity bright-eyed and excited. Even though it is scary.
I know this whole thing will also require humility from me. I'm working at a grocery store after having gone to school for a Master's degree. A lot of my coworkers are teenagers. My education has no bearing in my job, and in fact, I am constantly in need of help from the teens I work with. I will also not be economically stable anymore, which will put a damper on my social life. My friends will just have to understand that no, I actually cannot afford to go to lunch or dinner or go out to the movies or for a drink anymore. If anything, they will have to patiently bear with me as I visit them at their homes for a much needed free meal. I will have to rely on people's generosity, which is something I am not at all used to and something that makes me uncomfortable as an independent woman. I'm going back to being a dependent clause for many things, you guys. I ask for your patience and your kindness.
So, I guess this is my way of telling you that I'm back to being a broke college student, and I hope you understand. Please pray for me as I embark on this utterly nonsensical adventure. And if you wanna feed me, let me know. Buying my books and supplies works too, I guess.
Love,
P.S. But for reals, if you are feeling at all generous: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2SAIXPCU5EL07?ref_=wl_share
