Bye Felisha/2014!

Dear 2014,

You were officially The Year of Tears. A diamond in the rough. Childbirth. Sour Patch. Heartburn after amazing Mexican food.

(Have I lost you yet, reader?)

I see 2014 as starting the moment I left for Durham on September 25th, 2013 until today, December 31st.

The strangest year.
The roughest year.
The saddest year.
The happiest year.

In short, the most bipolar and best of years. Tears of joy, tears of pain, tears of worry, tears of laughter. ALL THE TEARS.

 You tested my mind and made me realise that despite my own insecurities and my lack of knowledge and super-hipster philosophical/existentialist train of thought, I can still manage (with lots of work) to write a dissertation and get an M.A.

You tested my body (and almost broke it--looking forward to hip replacement by 2020).

You tested my heart. I didn't know it was so malleable, so strong in its weakness. You trampled it. You pierced it. But you also made me realise that my withered and tired heart is still capable of that magnificent expansion caused by the soaring of love. Little did I know that I still had it in me. Little did I remember what loving so much was like.

2014, you turned my life up-side-down, inside-out, side-to-side. You changed me more than once, and not necessarily all for the better. I loved you and I hated you-- talking about bipolar, eh?  I don't think I have ever suffered so much and I don't think I have ever been so happy.

You were the year of beauty. Durham. Florence. Paris. The Lake District. Assisi. Lourdes. Breathlessness. Awe. I've never seen so many beautiful places before. My heart had never fallen in love with physical spaces like that.

You were the year of singing. SO. MUCH. SINGING. You filled my life with song. With joy.

You were the year of challenges. Hair loss. Weight gain. Stress. Walking in the dark. Reaching out for the hand of God. Pulling through. Fist-pumping and  "We are the champions, my friends". I did, after all, manage to learn how to cook, how to live without my family, how to move around in an unknown country(ies), to get a masters degree. Basically, became a boss at life.

You were the year of "quickly, pretend to be a local to avoid the gypsies!" The year of "clean the kitchen, you pigs!!!!" Of "I can't do this!" but then doing it.

The year of "Help me, God" and  of "Thank you, God".

I'm not quite sure how I feel about you, 2014. You've been good but you've hurt me a lot--sometimes I think you've hurt me beyond repair. I wish there were things about you that could change, but I don't think I'd go back to change anything I did while you were here. Except one thing: I would love more. I would worry less. I would also eat less.

But hey, you're done. You're dying. I watched you be born and grow and get old and now you're dying and I'm still alive--only by the grace of God. I survived you. I beat you. I already miss you. I love you.

Gotta be honest: I'm not really a fan of your successor. I think 2015 means to break my heart even further. But it's inevitable. It's life, ain't it? I'll always remember you as THE weird year, the eccentric year, the endearing year. Hmm... I think you're a lot like myself.  A crazy person living a crazy year.

And you--yes you, reader: thank you for your love. To me, the fact that you're reading this speaks volumes of your love for me. You have no idea what that means to me. You have no idea the impact you've made in my life and how many times your love has saved me from the dark clouds that gather around my mind and soul. God's definitely waaaaaay too nice to me for having given me you. I hope 2014 was good to you and that 2015 behaves and treats you well. I look forward to being part of your life this upcoming year.

God: only You know why. Thank you. Help my unbelief.



Of course, I couldn't leave you without a video!!!! Here's the best of the best of the best of this 2014:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1YnNLDwxtY&feature=youtu.be

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1YnNLDwxtY&feature=youtu.be

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1YnNLDwxtY&feature=youtu.be

Christmas thoughts

Happy Christmas, all! I hope you have a lovely, blessed, joyful holiday. 

As I prepare for the craziness and excitement that is our Christmas at home, I feel the need to put down in writing those things that a part of my heart is feeling.

I love Christmas. It is my favorite time of the year and I thoroughly enjoy the way we celebrated at home. But I can't help but notice that I woke up this morning with a tinge of nostalgia for what was my home for a year (and all the people that were there with me). I feel homesick for Durham; there's a hole in my soul caused by longing--the longing to see those faces that managed to sneak inside my heart in a span of a few months.

I miss my Durham home and my Durham family. I miss the cold air and the cloudy skies and the laughter and the warmth of tea and radiators and cozy jumpers. I miss all of you my Durham loves. So, so much. It's a bittersweet moment, too, because I've never spent a Christmas away from my immediate family, and I'm grateful to be here. But I just can't help it-- I think I'm destined to have a torn heart. But that's the price I must pay for having lived an amazing year and for being loved.

So, know that you are in my heart. I love you and I miss you. Happy Christmas.

A Christmas gift just for you: Vlog, the last

Hi all! This will be my last vlog for a while, as the new year promises to be exciting and incredibly busy. I hope you enjoy it and, more importantly, I wish you a wonderful and blessed Christmas season! Much love!

http://youtu.be/34KuD5UzpF8

The Vlogging life

Check out that one time some weird guy called me from "The District of Columbia"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcrDJgsId4E&feature=youtu.be

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcrDJgsId4E&feature=youtu.be

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcrDJgsId4E&feature=youtu.be