It's another installment of "Small Triumphs, Gigantic Failures"!!!

SMALL TRIUMPH

Well, I am pretty proud of this one. My friend Elizabeth (The Queen) took me to the store "Accessorize" to pick something for a Christmas present. Those of you who know me may guess what I would pick at such a store. Yes, a hat. You want to know the best part of this. When I got home, I was looking for more hats on Amazon, then went on Google to search for a hat I saw Sara Bareilles wears, and I realized something:

That's the hat Elizabeth got me. Oh joy! Not the hat I was looking for, but still so nice. I'm a happy camper. Yes, I had to let the whole internet know. Moving on!

GIGANTIC FAILURE

Jetlag has been a nightmare, you guys. It took me more than a week to get used to the six hour difference. The first few nights I was going to sleep at 6 or 7 AM so, yes, this was a problem. To top it off, I sleep on a bed of nails (an old mattress) and the Princess (me) has a hard time adjusting to middle-class facilities, apparently.

Parenthesis: I will tell you, however, what I discovered those days while I lived during the night...
Our flat, Flat 1, is the Vampire Flat. One day, after tossing and turning all night, I got up from my bed at 4:30 a.m. to go to the kitchen and SURPRISE!

 Konrad was baking a cake... at 4 a.m.... and the other guys were casually chatting in the kitchen, waiting for the cake to come out. So, that's why I never see any movement in the flat before 4 p.m.... because they think the sun is overrated.



SMALL TRIUMPH

I started to work out! And I ordered a scale and some weights from Amazon. I even got a Spotify playlist titled "Work Out", so it's serious! Let's do this!

GIGANTIC FAILURE

I injured myself working out. My back is a mess. I can't even bend down to pick up my dirty socks from the floor so now they're just going to stay there. Going to the doctor next week. Maybe he'll finally pay attention to me... maybe I can be the next Robocop, because clearly my body is in shambles and needs to be replaced completely.

Yes we should

SMALL TRIUMPH

I am slowly but surely moving on with my work, reading my stuff, and I should be caught up for the first class of the term on Monday, to quickly be  left behind a week after, because I don't read fast enough. But it's OK, that's the dangerous life I like to lead.

GIGANTIC FAILURE

When you see a man washing the dishes, don't assume he has used soap. It has come to my attention twice this week that men, when they don't see something as being "that dirty" (or rather, when they are being infinitely lazy) don't use dish-washing liquid/detergent.

Let me elaborate: the guy had three dirty cups in his room--all of which he used to eat cereal--for God knows how many days. Brings them to the kitchen, "rinses" them, scrapes off the cereal leftovers with fingernail, and then places glasses on drying rack. 

YOU KNOW MY PARENTS READ THIS BLOG SO I CAN'T SAY IT BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I AM THINKING. 

Also saw that one of the guys rinsed his spoon with water after finishing his meal and proceeded to put it to air dry. I find this so disgusting in so many levels that I have started to use only one drinking glass and to wash forks and spoons that were placed on the drying rack and are clearly dirty. I ain't crazy enough to keep my own silverware... yet.


SMALL TRIUMPH

My income tax return is coming soon? Seriously guys, I've got nothing. And clearly my failures are more amusing than my triumphs.

GIGANTIC FAILURE

I forgot all the jargon I had previously learned before going back home for the holidays. I couldn't remember what the university's virtual portal was called (DUO), what our living room is called (common room), what those parties we have Tuesdays and Thursdays are called (Formals), what the papers were called (Summative and Formative), what pants were called (trousers), what the bathroom was called (loo/toilet), what the Newman Center was called (Cathsoc), etc etc etc. It's like having to learn all of it again. And to remember that traffic is reversed here and that Roundabouts are the circles of death.

SMALL TRIUMPH

Think of something... think, think, think...

Well, this one starts like a failure but it ends on a good note: remember the Crockpot I brought from America? Yup, voltage differences almost made me burn the whole house down. The thing started smoking. So, you can imagine my distress to think that I brought it all the way over here for nothing and that instead I should have left it at home and I would have had enough room on my luggage for my beloved Ninja Food Chopper...

But, someone is going to let me borrow a current adapter, so that I can actually use the Crockpot after all, yay me! And Thank God because----

GIGANTIC FAILURE

---Cooking beans on a normal pot with water is horrible. Not only does it take a gazillion years, but they taste like (*&^%$. To make matters worse, I put too much salt on them and they are horrible. But I have to eat them... that's my punishment for being so liberal with the salt.

Extra: I had a dream last night that was bizarre, to say the least. I had a tumor in my kidney so they had to remove it, so I was lying on the hospital bed, but I had no pain, so I was pleasantly surprised. I felt so good that I decided to get up and go debate Wendy Davis, that lady running for governor in Texas. In the debate, I asked her "so, when does life begin?" and people ooooh'ed and said AAAAAAAAAAAAW BURNNN!! And I ended up winning the debate and then going home, only to find the fatal truth: I had ran out of corn tortillas. Then I woke up.

-C

Because you will never be famous without a humorous airport story

Darlings!

Greetings from the north of England, the lovely area of the UK no one ever knows about, right by that forgettable city with the bad football and the crazy geordie accent... something about a castle by the Thames? TYNE! Yes yes, Tyne.

I got back yesterday at around 6:30 pm, and let me tell you---boy do I have some stories for you!
"Shouldn't you be doing homework, Cris?" You ask. Well, don't worry about that--my jetlag is so bad I will be awake probably until 3 a.m.

Today, I woke up at 2 p.m. because my body thought it was barely 8 a.m. so let's just say we got all night.


Ok, so, like all awesome people, I gotta give you my TSA/airport/traveling funny anecdote, right? And you know I'm basically Buzzfeed, so I will turn it into a list (seriously, those people should give me a job).


1. After hours and hours of packing and trying to fit everything in two suitcases (one of them to be carry-on), I decided to just go ahead and pay for the overweight fee. Don't get me wrong, I didn't have that much stuff---I was able to close my big bag by calmly resting all my weight on it while zipping it up. It's just that I had heavy stuff. Kettle weights? Dumbbells? A Bowflex set? Well of course...not.

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!

More specifically, food that I am unable to find in England and that Amazon UK sells really expensive. Particularly the foundations of a Mexican existence: corn tortillas, jalapeños, Abuelita chocolate, chiles de arbol, Mole sauce... you get the picture. Add to that my American fatso favorites: pancake mix, pancake syrup, ranch dressing (light, mind you). You don't understand-- I don't like the taste of British pancakes... I want IHOPButtermilk  pancakes in my life. And the only ranch they sell here is Paul Newman's. With all due respect, Mr. Newman (RIP), movies were your thing. Making salad dressing was sooooooooooooooo not.

Ironically, or rather, symbolically, my luggage was 20 pounds overweight because of its carrying too much food. And I said, fudge it, I will just pay the 70 dollar fee Lufthansa is going to charge me. I mean, I had a crockpot in there, you guys.

The problem came when my flight from Lufthansa was, in reality, operated by Satan's airline: United.

They charged me ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS! And you know me, I am as cheap as I am a food lover, so I was going through a real inner-conflict. But my mother, who is the voice of reason, insisted that I paid for the fee since I was going to need all the stuff I was taking.

Now that I look back, I wish I had done different:
a) Should have brought an extra piece of luggage. They were only charging 100 dollars for extra luggage.
b) Should have realized that all I was bringing was food that I shouldn't even be eating in the first place and should have given it up to finally change my eating habits to lead a healthier lifestyle.

DAMMIT, I SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT AN EXTRA SUITCASE TO THE AIRPORT!!!!!!!!!!!

So I paid, end of story. They took my bag, gave me my boarding pass, and I headed over to the TSA check-point.

2. I place my junk on the trays and entered the scanner. Here's something new: you know how people were making a big deal about the officers being able to see you naked and stuff? Well, as far as I know, they really don't because when I came out of the scanner I glanced at the screen where the officer was looking and it was just like this:

So like a little gingerbread man showing where you had metals and guns and stuff. Apparently, I had metal on my armpit and shoulder, so I got my share of groping. At least it wasn't like the time I supposedly had metal on my thigh......................

After the scan was over, I was waiting to collect my belongings when BOOM, tragedy strikes.

"Ok, we are going to check you bags, please don't touch anything while we search them."

Both of my bags were full of white powder: tortilla flour and pancake mix. A Colombian drug mule? No! Just an addict to carbohydrates.

But that's not the worst part. I, innocently (stupidly) had put the awesome Ninja Food Chopper that I bought at Target in my backpack because I didn't have enough space in my checked bag. And you know the thing about food processors...
they...
have...

...blades...

So, I was basically a terrorist.

Luckily, the TSA agents were, prepare yourself for this, very nice. Nice enough, indeed, to take the Ninja back to my parents, who were very alarmed a few yards away thinking TSA was going to take all the Mexican food out of my bags. Shoutout to the TSA agents at Bush Airport!! Thanks for not taking me to jail!

Oh, but I have yet to mention the best part of it all.

Warning to my male viewers: the following contains a lot of talk about period-related stuff. Viewer discretion advised.


So..............

So far, I have not been able to find real maxipads in the UK...

The male TSA officer opens both of my bags to find hundreds and thousands of said product. And he has to work his way through my bag removing these items because they are just every-f-ing-where---hey, don't judge me, they are good cushions for other fragile stuff.

Oh, and what do you think the officer found when he opened the box of my Ninja Food Chopper? Yup. The chopper was being nicely protected ALL AROUND. Yup, he had to take all of those out. Man, I wish you could have seen his face, it was amazing, like "Omigosh what is this? I can't believe I gotta put up with this for a living."

To all of you who hate the TSA officers... you owe me. Payback's a beotch Always™

3. Score! I was able to get away with having two very large carry-ons because the plane was practically empty (because, let's face it, no one wants to fly on the devil's carriage, United Airlines). 

"Well, I'm happy for you Cris, and Imma let you finish, but Virgin Atlantic had one of the best safety videos of all time!" 

Look, do you want to know why I hate United? Because everyone else does, and I love the status quo! Also, they don't feed you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They gave us one small dinner--can't complain about the flavor, it was decent, but the quantity, the quantity. 

Oh, and you know what they gave us for desert? A tiny-ass cookie that was the size of my thumb.

OOOH, and you know what we got for breakfast? A croissant for Barbies, three grapes, two pieces of cantaloupe, and three pieces of the green melon thingy.

 IF I CAN HOLD MY WHOLE BREAKFAST IN MY HAND, IT'S NOT BREAKFAST!!! DON'T TRY TO PASS A SNACK FOR BREAKFAST!!! WORST AIRLINE EVER!!! DON'T THEY KNOW BREAKFAST IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY?!?!?!!?

On the bright side (we must always look at the bright side), the plane was so empty that I was able to claim FIVE seats as my territory. An aisle and window combo for watching movies and looking outside the window, and the uncomfortable middle seats (three) for an improvised bed, baby! That's right, I laid my body down in an airplane. Who needs first class seats? Not this chick!

I couldn't really sleep much, though. My fear of snoring/ talking in my sleep, and the crying baby in front of me did the trick. But it was so much better than trying to sleep while sitting and potentially breaking your neck. It also made the flight seem much shorter.

4. I got to London EARLY, so I had to wait for my train for two hours. I sat down on one of my bags and ate British Doritos and read like five pages of The Moonstone.  Once I got on the train, I fell asleep, potentially breaking my neck. Then finally I got home, and got all OCD again. I cleaned the kitchen, the fridge, my room, unpacked my things, showered, etc etc etc. It's not easy being me (just kidding... it comes naturally).

5. The Return of the Jetlag: I went to sleep at 3 a.m. last night (this morning?) and I woke up at 2 p.m. today, just in time for an hour and thirty minutes of sun light. I went crazy at the grocery store and bought everything that crossed my path, so that the kitchen could be featured in an episode of Hoarders, but in a good, clean way, like "Look, hoarders! If you organize your crap like a game of tetris people won't think you are crazy anymore!!"

More for you next week!

On being home... and stuff

Yo! What up!!

It's me, the Mexigeords, coming to you from the heart of Texas!

I have now been home for three weeks and it's been a good time, sirs! 

I have spent my time working, watching Disney Channel and videos of babies.

I got my old  job back as a temp for the time I've been here---someone's gotta pay for all that Christmas shopping.

Anyway, Christmas was great! Here's a list of the stuff I got:

1. A crockpot

2. A Hope Solo jersey!

3. Three pairs of pants (trousers, brits... trousers).

4. A "Jesus" hoodie.

5. My awesome perfume (you did good, Versace).

6. Ranch dressing for a year.

7. The Mindy Project Season One!!!!!!!! Oh, Danny, now we can be together forever.
8. The Joy of The Gospel, by Papa Frankie! Courtesy of Jesus Villegas, who was just dying to have his name mentioned on this blog. 

9. Like 10 extra pounds.

Great holiday it has been, and I have been back at the infamous shack, the pride of Conroe, The Burger Boy.

This pic from this guy: http://bruceburgers.wordpress.com/2013/05/14/burger-boy-conroe-tx/

 AH!! Coming back to the BB makes me happy. I know, I know, the three years I worked there I complained about horrible customers and I have horror-striking stories. But I've never had such a great boss in my life and I made great friends while working there (I also almost got into my first fist fight ever there).

So, needless to say, I was pretty happy to be back. So happy indeed that I could even give a couple jerkish customers a break.

Yesterday was my last day. And now I feel like maybe I shouldn't have worked? Like I should have spent more time around the house? And, moreover, DOING MY HOMEWORK? Alas, 'tis done!!

But what can I say, eh? I need to give you some beef, something specifically hilarious so I can keep my readership, correct? Sigh, Ms. Austen, I don't know how you did it....

Let's see, let's see...

Oh yes, allow me to tell you of the time I got my biggest tip: an Andrew Jackson.

This was like three days ago.

Woman comes up to the front counter. Average height/weight, lighter skin hispanic lady. Thin eyebrows.

I casually take her order and she stands by the counter waiting for her food. I know she's inquiringly looking at me, so I automatically become awkward. This conversation will give the world all the awkwardness it has been missing.

"Oh, I noticed you are hiring a cook?"

"Yes, a part-time position."

"Did your cook quit?"

"No, we just need an extra hand..."

SILENCE

SILENCE

SILENCE

"Err...would you like an application?"

"Oh no..."

SILENCE
SILENCE
SILENCE

"Oh, you accept tips?"

"Yes"

SILENCE

SILENCE

SILENCE

"So, where is the cook?"

"Which one?"
"Well... the cook that's always here..."

"Uh... we have six."

"Oh..."

"Chino? Jr? Valente? Arcadio?"

"I don't know his name. But he's always here when I come. He's nice."

"What does he look like?"

"Well, like... big guy" (does the strong arm mimic).

"And brown? Like... browner than me?"

SILENCE

"Yes.." she whispers.

"Oh! That's Arcadio. He'll be here later today."

IN THE MEANTIME.... my co-worker, BonQuiQui (name has been changed) has been listening to this whole conversation and finally cannot help herself:

"OH YES, ARCADIO. HE IS MARRIED WITH CHILDREN."

Oh. my. God. My eyes were opened. Have I been feeding info to the enemy lines?

"Oh no...I--I--"

"Err.... I don't think she means it like that, BonQuiQui..."

"WELL I JUST GOTS TO LET YOU KNOW."

SILENCE 

SILENCE

SILENCE

"Well, I am going to give you a $20 tip."

"Seriously?"

"Yes. Here, let me sign the credit card slip." The way she is looking at me: a combination of man checking you out with satisfaction and businessperson just closing down a deal.

"Thanks..."

SILENCE

SILENCE

SILENCE

At this point, I feel like a KGB spy that has just slept with James Bond to get info... dirty, dirty.

Conveniently, the food comes out. I bag it up, and give it to the lady. She takes her brown bag and remains by the counter. 

"Well... that's it. Thank you, have a good day." As in "Get out of here, predator!"

"Oh... yeah... ok... bye."

That's the type of thing that happens to me at Burger Boy.

Yes, I have three years' worth of stories like this one. OH, it just occurred to me --- let's do 5 most outrageous/horrible/insane moments at Burger Boy:

1. Woman with no pants (trousers) comes into the restaurant to order. I never notice she is not wearing pants because I only see her when she is already at the counter (the counter covers you from the waist down). I only see her purple thong when I hand her the food and she walks away. She was so high she didn't realize she was half naked (the naughty half).

2. When two white men beat up another white man out in the parking lot. I, hero that I am, rushed out to the parking lot in defense of the poor (probably drug-dealing) man, shouting 'LEAVE HIM ALONE, I AM CALLING THE COPS ON YOUR ASS!!!' Not my brightest moment, really.

3. When a drunkard who had ordered a burger and was drinking something from a brown bag fell asleep on one of our booths, and a high-ranked policeman came through the drive-thru:

"Do you think you could help me out, sir?"

"What do you need?"

"I got a drunkie sleeping in here and I'm pretty sure he's got some alcohol on him and he's not supposed to."

"Ah, let me make a call."

The poor sucker was escorted out by this very tall, Chuck Norris-sy looking cop.

4. That time I almost got into a fist fight with FOUR PEOPLE. Yes, clearly, I have Chuck Norris complex. Let me clarify: although I do have a bad temper, I never actually snap at people or threaten anyone... I am more passive-aggressive than anything else. But the one thing that gets me, just like Marty McFly and being called a chicken, is when people try to make a fool out of me (and I notice).

These people ordered food on the phone, then called to cancel the order (when it was already made), then called back from a different number and order different food, then came to pick it up. And I knew it was them, so I casually mentioned "oh, you called in an order for Travis?" "TRAVIS? HELL NO, HELL NO, ORDER FOR TINA... but if you want to give us Travis' food for free, we'll take it. It's not like Travis is coming... he told you he wasn't..."

SERIOUSLY? So I snapped. I slammed the drive-thru window close and I walked away, but these people honked and honked until I came back to the window and then it went down from there! Needless to say, one of the cooks had to pull me away from the window. I was trembling with rage. Not my proudest moment, internet. Yes, I did go to confession, thank you very much.

5. An inconvenient guest.
Once, a possum decided to give us a try. He came through the back door and caused havoc. How did we manage to get it out of the restaurant? Don't ask me, I jumped on top of the freezer, terrified. Have you seen those things? They are like apocalypse radio-active rats!! I'm not even going to post a pic/gif of one...

But they make good burger patties.

BONUS: People are ridiculous and fairly dumb. For Example:

"I want a cheeseburger all the way. Just meat and cheese."

"Can I get a cheeseburger, no cheese?"

"What? I didn't order a meat burger.... I wanted chicken."

"I need to get some french fries... I don't want them soft, but I don't want them crispy."

"I wanna get a salad, and please, I want it fresh."

"I need to buy 4 buns from you... what? 50 cents a piece? aww hell no!!"

Anyway, yes, it's a job to build on patience. You do see the worst of humanity: You see men taking advantage of poor, addiction-ridden women, people stealing, people trying to steal, people selling drugs, people being mean, rude, nasty, and inhumane. But you also see the best: people quietly buying a burger and fries for a homeless person, someone making a new friend with the person on the next table, people being nice, being grateful, being tender, old ladies hugging cooks and coworkers grieving for diseased customers, people enjoying food. It's really something. 

Well, this has been dragging on for long enough. I guess I didn't have to tell you all that. But my mom thinks I can make a living off blogging, so I gotta try to keep you entertained. Next time we see each other, internet, I will be back in Geordieland. 

xx