Well, hello to you all and happy birthday to me!
It has been AGES since I've written you, blogosphere, and I am very sorry that things ended the way they did between us--that is, with me being buried under a pile of what I call "adult life" and you left to wander lost in the immensity of the internet without your beacon of hope, the light of your life, the joy of your heart (this blog).
But I've got great news for you:
1. THE SEMESTER IS OVER!!!!
This means that I get to have a nice break from my responsibilities as an inspiring teacher in an inner-city high school (LOL). It's not like work was entirely consuming my time (just about 11 hours of my day), but I was so mentally exhausted by the end of each day that I had little desire to write. But today is the last day of work and I'm sitting at work, all done with my duties like the good over-achiever that I am, writing you all and eating Cheez-its.
2. THE MEXICAN GEORDIE IS RETURNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You guys, this is huge-- I'm coming home, baby! *cue to all the eye-rolling courtesy of the skeptics who think I'm snobbish for calling Durham home*. I have been waiting for this moment since the day I left. My heart is a-flutter with elation! I realise things won't be quite the same--lots of people won't be there anymore-- but the fact of being able to go back and relive some of those memories is such a precious treasure to me. *ALL THE CLICHES!*
3. IT'S MY BDAY, YA'LL!!!!!!!!!! (lots of exclamation marks today--the excitement is real).
Yes, let all flower buds bloom and all birds chirp with felicity for Cris (there it is, the pretentiousness) has turned a year older. My birthday is literally in about 10 minutes (I was born at 9 a.m., according to the Associated Press/Mum). I was also born on a Friday, so I'm having birthday inception right now (this is also probably why Friday is my favorite day of the week and why I think the perfect time to wake up in the morning is 9 a.m.... demonstrating that newborn me and adult me are the same).
Anyway, being my birthday and all I figured I could write something inspirational and cliched worthy of Hello Giggles, so I sat down to think about what I could possibly say, and I started thinking about the past ten years and the things I wish I could go back and tell myself, my eighteen-year-old self. Ten years gone seemingly in a heartbeat, but feeling like a lifetime of memories--so much so that I know there's a lot of stuff I don't even remember anymore. Roughest years but also in some ways the best years... going from being a teen to being a full-time adult, all while still being secretly a child (though not a teen, I would hope). So, if Martin McFly could take me back in the DeLorean, I'd go find skinny young me and give myself this letter (I wouldn't talk to myself because remember that can screw up the future in crazy ways).
Dear Eighteen Year Old Cris,
It's me, Twenty-Something Year Old Cris. Before you ask me questions, let me put you up to speed:
1) No WWIII yet.
2) Music got worse--yes, it's possible.
3) Phones do everything but call people (because T-Mobile is a crappy carrier).
I am sitting here at my desk at work (yes, we work now) typing this letter to you with a massive belly ache due to overeating of cupcakes. I just wanted to take the time and give you a heads up on some situations coming your way. Because I (we) love making lists, here goes:
1. Things are about to change a lot. You're entering your last year of high school and everything feels amazing and beautiful and fun. You feel like you have it all, but the rug is going to get pulled from under you and you will be very angry for a long time. None of it will be your fault. Honey, life just isn't fair. Things happen. You've let yourself be defined by who you are to people and have lost sight of your true essence; you've grown accustomed to the idea that you are self-sufficient and that you're a big deal, and this has caused you to be arrogant and look down on others that don't have their shit together. What's about to happen is all necessary in a way. Your heart will be broken, your pride will be shattered, your hope will be lost. Tears will choke you at night as you're staring at the white ceiling of your bedroom. The walls of your throat will tighten and close in as you look at the people you loved so much moving on with their lives. Your heart will be blackened in the fire of bitterness and anger. I wish I could tell you not to sweat it, that it's not all worth it--but I can't. Because I know what it all means to you, and I know that being left, forsaken, let down, and humiliated is a painfully necessary process for us. Be reassured that it is a process continuing to this day. But whatever massive challenge lays before you like an insurmountable peak, know that you shall overcome, not because of your own strength, but because God will carry you through. The faster you understand this the better. You can't do it alone, you need Him. It will all be okay, I promise.
2. Don't stop smiling, even when the world is crumbling. Don't stop opening up your heart. You will feel like you can never trust anyone again, but you will, and it will be wonderful. You will, after many tries, finally find people who will love you for who you are, not just because you do things for them, but because they actually like you. Suddenly you will find yourself surrounded by love again. But smile, because that's how you draw people in. Or else your resting bitch face will make everyone run away (yes, that's a term now... it's basically the face you have 90% of the time). There will be times when you will feel very lonely; bring that loneliness to God. He will take care of it, in time.
3. Yes, all in time. God will make you wait for every. single. thing. Your impatience will win sometimes, and you will grow desperate and restless and anxious (and gain a million pounds). But that's not going to make him waiver-- He will still make you wait. I'm sure He has good reasons, though I haven't figured them out, but I guess what I'm trying to say is put that cupcake down because eating isn't going to make anything better. Oh, also try to enjoy whatever it is you do have and stop worrying about the things that are not happening for you. The faster you surrender entirely to His will, the better for you, not because waiting will get any easier, but because you will be able to thrive in the midst of it.
4) And speaking of waiting.... there's one department in which you will be doing LOTS of waiting. Yep. News flash, honey: you ain't marrying him. I know you think you love him and that there isn't anyone like him, but that's not love--not the real kind, anyway. Besides, he's a douchebag... why on earth are you with him? You'll see what I'm talking about. Anyway... it's going to hurt a lot, baby girl. It's going to feel like your heart's bled dry. Please know that there wasn't anything you could have done to fix it. You two were just not meant for each other. It's going to take you a long time to heal but you will heal and you will fall in love again. Twice, actually. Nope, it's not going to work out. Yes, it will suck... especially the second time around. You will feel like you just want to buy a farm in the middle of nowhere and die alone and have your cats eat your corpse. You will feel like you're just too weird and there isn't anyone else out there for you. But I daresay 38-year-old Cris would say that everything works out at the end. Whatever happens, know this: You've met the love of your life already. He's been right there all along and will never leave you. Give him a chance to woo you--He is enough. Always. He knows you and loves you with a passion that cannot be put into words. Hint: He's also your God.
5. You know how you love writing? Yeah, that's great and all... but you should really look into your love of science. I'm not saying you're unhappy now, but you will regret your career choice because as much as you love books, your brain works like a mad scientist's. Besides--I (we) don't even write for a living... it's something we do on a super popular blog called Mexican Geordie. No money involved. I'm sorry to have to tell you that you are a teacher. A high school one. I know, I can't believe it either. OH, THE IRONY, amIrite? But I guess it's too late for me to say that to you, so I will say this: it's never too late to change careers; it's never too late to go back to school; it's never too late to write that novel you have been daydreaming about for years. Do it and don't worry about what people will think. You know why? Because nowadays there's a super popular pornographic book called Fifty Shades of Gray that is making millions of dollars and was apparently written by a raccoon with rabies whose second language is English (or so I hear). So write.
6. And you know what? Studying English won't turn out to be so bad, because you'll get to live your life dream. You will make it to England. You will LIVE THERE DUDE. It will be all you ever imagined and more.
7. Be kind to your family. There'll be a point in time when they are all you have. Right now you put so much more emphasis on your friendships and neglect your family. Well, that's about to change. You lucked out, you got an amazing set of parents and some pretty wonderful siblings. Here's something funny: you will actually get along with JP, LOL (this is also a new term that stands for "laughing out loud" because we've basically become too lazy to type out laughter. Now people type "lololol" instead of "hahaha" which totally defeats the purpose). Anyway, your family is the most precious thing that you have. Please treasure them. Also, don't forget our grandparents. Write them letters. Hug them tighter. They won't be around for much longer.
8. You're balder. Start saving up for a hair-loss treatment.
9. Believe in yourself. You are beautiful and perfectly capable of talking to anyone, no matter how utterly gorgeous you think they are. No one's ever "too beautiful" for you. Moreover, you have more than just beauty: you have wit, sense of humour, and a perfectly intelligent brain capable of conversation. TALK TO PEOPLE. It will do you good.
10. This reminds me... we're still very awkward. But getting better. You still talk to yourself out loud, though. That's never going to go away, I'm afraid. But guess what? You are so loved. Love yourself. I love you.
