This is a post I've dreaded to write for quite a long time... perhaps even for years. I've known that this day would come for so long, yet I do not think I wanted to think about it much. It's not that I didn't want to accept it, or that I hoped and prayed that things would change. No. It's just that nothing can prepare you to lose your best friend.
As a teenager, I went through the pain of losing my two closest friends (more like sisters). I was prudish and self-righteous, so I must have seemed like an obstacle to have a good time. This loss triggered depression, anger, and bitterness in me that stretched over several years. I was so hurt and so broken, constantly feeling like that betrayal made it impossible to trust anyone anymore.
Then I had an encounter with Christ. Things couldn't be the same anymore. Begrudgingly, I had to let go of all those negative feelings that were poisoning my heart in order to find joy again. However, I couldn't help but feel lonely. It's not like I didn't have friends. It's just that there was a space in my life (and in my heart) that needed to be filled by someone special--someone I could not only laugh with but who could really be there when the wind howled and the tide rose and the waves towered over me.
So I started praying for God to send me this person. Year after year, as I begged and cried out to God for this special friend to enter my life, I started losing hope that there was such a person out there who would care that much about me.
Then, one Saturday night, when He had placed me in the corridor of a retreat house on the other side of the world, something in my heart told me I'd found this person. We had awkwardly ran into each other as we were both making our way to bed that night. She was quintessentially British in style and demeanor (so basically it was impossible for her to be rude to me and not follow along with my small talk). A few minutes into the conversation, though, we were no longer just talking about trivial things. I was venting, talking about my worries and fears. And she listened. More than that--she gave me advice. This virtual stranger was giving me empathy. It was strange and refreshing and absolutely alluring.
Then I heard myself tell myself: "Yes, I like this one. She'll be my best friend."
I know, I know--what a creeper. I admit it proudly. I did everything I could do to get her to keep me, too. Talked to her every chance I got. Bribed her with food. Send her memes and videos and GIFs. I couldn't keep away. Her sweetness and her warmth were such a stark contrast to my sass and my cynicism. And I could see I wasn't the only one. I've never seen anyone light up a room the way she did (and still does). Around the chaplaincy, we all looked up to her as this sort of motherly figure who was just always willing to help and love others, despite her age.
It's been 5 years now since I decided to keep her in my heart. Five years that have been so rich with day trips, dancing, desserts, tea, scrapbooks, photos, music, books, late-night talks, Skype sessions, re-encounters, goodbyes, laughs, tears, forgiveness, kindness. Love.
A love so selfless and so giving that just thinking about it makes my eyes fill with tears. Outside of my immediate family (my mom, really), I can't think of anyone that has shown me such love.
Always checking up on me.
Always reassuring me that everything will be fine.
Always reminding me that I am enough.
Always cheering me on.
Always challenging me to be better, kinder, holier.
Always thinking of ways to brighten up my life.
Always eager to see me.
Always ready to listen to me vent without judgment.
Always knowing what to say.
Always willing to share what she has with me.
Always loving me even when I feel I don't deserve it.
Always loving me even when I definitely don't deserve it.
How can a human being be like that? Only by God's grace. The prayers that I shot up to Him were answered in this magnificent yet small young woman who I can literally carry with one arm, I'm pretty sure. God put all the pieces where they needed to be and I was allowed to choose a soul sister who has been a healing balm to my mind and spirit. How many people are as lucky as that?
It's incredible, really. That we found ourselves in this crazy world. That, at the end of the day, I didn't really come to England to get a Master's degree, but to meet her. People tend to use the word "soulmate" to refer to their significant other, to the love of their life. But I can't think of a better word to describe the best, dearest of friends, whose friendship is hands down one of the best things that has ever happened to me. A person that knows me so well, who has been there in the darkest days, and who still chose to stay. A person that chooses to love this broken mess that I am, much like God chooses to love me.
We've been through so much, she and I. We've seen each other at both best and worst. I'm pretty sure we've hurt and broken each other's hearts, too (at the end of the day, we are only just human beings). But the bond that exists between us has endured all that. So I supposed it's unfair to say that I'm losing her... because I know our bond will endure this too.
Not long after we'd become good friends I found out that she was considering giving her life entirely to God. Should she discern the religious life? I didn't think much of it, probably because that's a legitimate question that every devout Catholic woman should ask herself. But the wondering grew bigger with the months and the years, until it could no longer be ignored.
Fast-forward to 2018: my best friend is entering the convent on Tuesday, September 11. As part of her preparation and training, she will not be able to have a phone or write letters to anyone but her family. This process takes around three years. The only means of communication between us will be the letters I will write to her (to which she won't be able to reply).
If you think this prospect of going on a friendship fast for three years must be breaking my heart, you'd be right. I am gutted. But for every moment I feel devastated there is an instant moment of sheer pride and joy in my heart to know that the best human being I know has been called by Christ to be his bride. Why wouldn't Jesus put a ring on it? She's the best woman I know.
To know that she has accepted that call and is willing to leave the world behind to follow God brings my shattered faith some consolation and hope. Knowing that she is following her gut with joy also brings me inexplicable joy. I love her, ya'll. I want her to be happy.
What's left for me to say?
Dear Elena,
You've changed my life. Even thinking that there was a time when you weren't in my life seems so foreign and bizarre that I can't comprehend it. I'm a mess because you won't be a text message away. But I will be fine because your prayers and your love will sustain me. I am so proud of you for exploring your vocation. You are the bravest, kindest, most selfless person I have ever met. I'm actually blown away by how far you've come and how courageous you are. I will think about you every day. Thank you for all you've given me in the past five years. I do not know when I'll see you again, but I cannot wait! Thank you for being a friend, a mother, an accomplice, a sister. Thank you for being who you are. This life won't be enough to marvel how lucky I've been in having you. Here's to a lifetime of the purest friendship. Please ask your boyfriend Jesus to send me a good man so I can give you a godchild.
I love you with all of my heart.
-Nugget
