Something new, part II

She could hear her heart thundering with anticipation. Her eyes kept wandering off to the microwave clock. Every hour seemed to stretch longer and longer. She felt she could lose her mind and start shouting it at the top of her lungs.

“Are you sure you are okay? Something’s definitely up.”

“I’m fine, mom,” she said, hiding her smile, and continued chopping the vegetables.

Christmas was the most important day for the family and she had helped with the cooking ever since she was old enough to mince. The festivities were so dear to her—the smell of cinnamon filling the air, the warmth of the oven and the fireplace, the glow of the Christmas tree. The fondest memories were those of joyous, peaceful Christmases when she had been nourished, healed, and loved. It was this tiny old house that her parents worked so hard for that had been her refuge and her fortress, and there was not a more special place in the world for the rest of her life to unfold.

“Your father says they’re on their way, so there weren’t any delays. I think we’ll have enough time to get to mass.”

She beamed a smile at her mother and her mother stared at her in awe, with tears in her eyes.

“A mother’s joy is greatest when she sees her children being radiantly happy,” the gentle lady said, wrapping her arms around the waist of her much taller daughter. Her mom was a poet at heart, and she always came up with the most profoundly moving little proverbs. It was to this woman that she owed everything: her autonomy, her self-esteem, and her determination to be happy. Her parents had never had it easy, yet not once did she see her mom let the shadow of uncertainty or the darkness of pessimism poison her mind. Perhaps her sister and she had lacked a few material comforts, but her parents had compensated for that with love and understanding.

“It’s special, ma.”

“I know, sweetie.”

“It’s kind of surreal.”

“Well, of course it is. If you would have told me three Christmases ago, ‘Mom, I’m going marry that boy from high school I used to fight with all the time!’ I would have peed with laughter!”

“Mom!”

“Well, honey, I wouldn’t have believed it. You wouldn’t have believed it!”

He was the jock who every girl in school had a crush on. She was the feminist who was instantly repulsed by anyone with a GPA of less than 3.0 (and she thought that was herself being tolerant). She saw him as a misogynist pig with a superiority complex and he saw her as a sexually frustrated—possibly gay—overachieving nerd. He made it his mission to annoy her every day during Government class, and, having a tinge of the dramatic in her personality, she quickly declared war on him.

“He was impossible, mom, and a bully.”

“Oh, you are such a drama queen, honey.”

“You know it’s true! How many times did I come home crying?”
“Yes, crying with rage because people liked ‘a senseless jerk with poorly-informed opinions’, as I recall.”

“You have a scarily good memory, mother.”

“I’m a mother, my dear. I’m not allowed to forget anything. But I know that—deep, deep down—you always liked him.”

“I did not!!”

“Oh honey, who can resist that pair of dreamy green eyes? That’s a perfect face if I ever saw one.”

She blushed profusely and smiled from ear to ear, “well, even if he was a big jerk, I must admit that I was not entirely blinded by my dislike of him. But he really was awful, ma. He’s admitted as much—”

She stopped short when she heard footsteps on the porch and the door creaking open. Both women quickly wiped their hands on kitchen towels and rushed to the entry way to greet the rest of the family.

“Go give Aunt Cathy a kiss, CJ!”
The toddler wobbled his way to his aunt, who lifted his chubby body up in her arms and embraced him.

“Hi, baby!” her sister said. To everyone at home, she was still the baby, even now as a married woman.

“He’s so big, Lily!”

“You’re so beautiful, C. Marriage suits you,” said her sister with a wink. Their mom came over and threw her arms around the pair (toddler and all). The three men observed them.

“The loves of my life… right there,” said the proud patriarch.

“Come here, papa”, beckoned his wife. His tanned arms locked around her, his daughters, and grandchild.

Her sister and brother-in-law went to the back of the house, to her old bedroom, to freshen up and unpack, while her parents walked back to the kitchen in animated chatter. She was rocking CJ in her arms and playing with him until she felt his eyes were fixed on her.

“What are you staring at?”

He only smiled and continued to gaze at her, making her light-headed and fluttery-hearted. He walked towards her and, gently grabbing her chin, planted a kiss on her mouth. It still felt like the first time, as if it was just yesterday: they had been taking a stroll in the park and eating ice cream cones one Sunday afternoon after church and he had pulled her by the hand towards him and given her a vanilla-flavored kiss.

“Don’t you ever dare doing that again,” she had cried indignantly, but her knees were weak and her breath quick, so she was glad he was holding her steady. His eyes were emeralds shinning with sunlight as he looked down at her.

“I will do it as many times as I need to until you say yes,” he smiled.

“No, Alex, I can’t do this. I’m glad you’ve changed so much, really. But we’re just friends…”
“ I don’t want your friendship. I know I have to prove myself to you and I will, but you have to give me a chance... I’m not him. I’m nothing like him... I see you. I always have.”

He had driven her back to her house and driven away feeling hopeless. She was convinced she couldn't see him as anything more than a friend, but her mother had helped her change her mind: “Remember the day he picked you up to go to the basketball game? While he was waiting for you he introduced himself and we quickly fell into conversation about how he used to argue with you in high school. He said he did it because he loved seeing your face flustered and your eyes shining with rage. He told me he hadn’t known how else to approach you… that he thought you were way out of his league. I took it as unnecessary flattery to gain points with the mother, but he’s really tried his hardest and he definitely looks determined, honey. Might not be the man you always imagined yourself with, but we know how that turned out, so maybe your intuitions are not the most accurate.”

Her mother's words had wounded her pride, but she eventually called him three days later to ask him out on a date. And now here he was, with his big gentle eyes and his radiant smile—every part of him was hers. It was all still such a mind-blowing novelty, and the exhilaration of having this man looking at her like no one else ever had was a delicious pleasure. He took little CJ from her arms and brushed the hair away from her face with the back of his hand.

“I’m staring at this beautiful face.”

“I rather like you with a baby.”
“It’s as good an accessory as a puppy.”

“But not as great as a kitten, huh?” she grinned, “would you take him to Lily? He needs to take his nap.”

She watched him walk away with the baby and her heart trembled. She had taken a gamble when she gave him a chance, not knowing if she would ever be able to feel what she had felt once. But her heart had, very slowly, grown used to him, and she hadn’t realized it until one day when she was, like now, looking at him striding away confidently as he always did. Back then, just yesterday, they had gone to a shelter for homeless people to volunteer with a Thanksgiving meal, and she had watched him going from table to table pouring lemonade into red plastic cups. She watched him walking around like he owned the place, with that smile and that laugh. She was thinking how beautiful he was and then he seemed to have guessed her thoughts, for he turned around and looked at her. It must have been only a couple seconds that he held her gaze, but it had seemed like the longest, loveliest, most glorious moment of her life. He saw her, he truly did. That’s when she knew. No one could look at her the way he did and she didn’t want them to.

She helped her mother finish dinner before they headed to the church for the vigil mass. She let her hair down and put on her dark blue dress, which was her favorite. Alex liked to match with her so he wore a dark blue vest under his brown scarf and corduroy jacket. The whole family, including little CJ, followed Christmas tradition and headed to St. James’ parish, which was about five miles away from their house. During mass, her heart filled with overwhelming joy and her eyes with happy tears. She felt his gaze and knew he was looking at her from the corner of his eye. When he reached out for her hand, she knew that his eyes must have been filled with the tears, too.  When she had been at her worst, she had heard a voice inside her say that happiness would never find her again. But she fought back, she confronted the shadows of the dark and now here she was, holding this massive, strong, smoooth hand between hers.

“Merry Christmas, pretty eyes.”

“Merry Christmas, my love.”

Because the house was small, there was only enough room for one car in her parent’s driveway, so Alex had parked the car on the curb, a few yards away from the house. After they came inside, she quickly realized she had left her phone in the car, so she asked him for the keys and walked back out to the car. The night was chilly and the cold wind made her face burn. She hurried back and as she closed the driveway gate to get back into the house, she noticed the shadow of a tall man approaching, until it finally stopped and lurked right over her. She turned around and felt her heart sink to the ground.

**********************