On being home... and stuff

Yo! What up!!

It's me, the Mexigeords, coming to you from the heart of Texas!

I have now been home for three weeks and it's been a good time, sirs! 

I have spent my time working, watching Disney Channel and videos of babies.

I got my old  job back as a temp for the time I've been here---someone's gotta pay for all that Christmas shopping.

Anyway, Christmas was great! Here's a list of the stuff I got:

1. A crockpot

2. A Hope Solo jersey!

3. Three pairs of pants (trousers, brits... trousers).

4. A "Jesus" hoodie.

5. My awesome perfume (you did good, Versace).

6. Ranch dressing for a year.

7. The Mindy Project Season One!!!!!!!! Oh, Danny, now we can be together forever.
8. The Joy of The Gospel, by Papa Frankie! Courtesy of Jesus Villegas, who was just dying to have his name mentioned on this blog. 

9. Like 10 extra pounds.

Great holiday it has been, and I have been back at the infamous shack, the pride of Conroe, The Burger Boy.

This pic from this guy: http://bruceburgers.wordpress.com/2013/05/14/burger-boy-conroe-tx/

 AH!! Coming back to the BB makes me happy. I know, I know, the three years I worked there I complained about horrible customers and I have horror-striking stories. But I've never had such a great boss in my life and I made great friends while working there (I also almost got into my first fist fight ever there).

So, needless to say, I was pretty happy to be back. So happy indeed that I could even give a couple jerkish customers a break.

Yesterday was my last day. And now I feel like maybe I shouldn't have worked? Like I should have spent more time around the house? And, moreover, DOING MY HOMEWORK? Alas, 'tis done!!

But what can I say, eh? I need to give you some beef, something specifically hilarious so I can keep my readership, correct? Sigh, Ms. Austen, I don't know how you did it....

Let's see, let's see...

Oh yes, allow me to tell you of the time I got my biggest tip: an Andrew Jackson.

This was like three days ago.

Woman comes up to the front counter. Average height/weight, lighter skin hispanic lady. Thin eyebrows.

I casually take her order and she stands by the counter waiting for her food. I know she's inquiringly looking at me, so I automatically become awkward. This conversation will give the world all the awkwardness it has been missing.

"Oh, I noticed you are hiring a cook?"

"Yes, a part-time position."

"Did your cook quit?"

"No, we just need an extra hand..."

SILENCE

SILENCE

SILENCE

"Err...would you like an application?"

"Oh no..."

SILENCE
SILENCE
SILENCE

"Oh, you accept tips?"

"Yes"

SILENCE

SILENCE

SILENCE

"So, where is the cook?"

"Which one?"
"Well... the cook that's always here..."

"Uh... we have six."

"Oh..."

"Chino? Jr? Valente? Arcadio?"

"I don't know his name. But he's always here when I come. He's nice."

"What does he look like?"

"Well, like... big guy" (does the strong arm mimic).

"And brown? Like... browner than me?"

SILENCE

"Yes.." she whispers.

"Oh! That's Arcadio. He'll be here later today."

IN THE MEANTIME.... my co-worker, BonQuiQui (name has been changed) has been listening to this whole conversation and finally cannot help herself:

"OH YES, ARCADIO. HE IS MARRIED WITH CHILDREN."

Oh. my. God. My eyes were opened. Have I been feeding info to the enemy lines?

"Oh no...I--I--"

"Err.... I don't think she means it like that, BonQuiQui..."

"WELL I JUST GOTS TO LET YOU KNOW."

SILENCE 

SILENCE

SILENCE

"Well, I am going to give you a $20 tip."

"Seriously?"

"Yes. Here, let me sign the credit card slip." The way she is looking at me: a combination of man checking you out with satisfaction and businessperson just closing down a deal.

"Thanks..."

SILENCE

SILENCE

SILENCE

At this point, I feel like a KGB spy that has just slept with James Bond to get info... dirty, dirty.

Conveniently, the food comes out. I bag it up, and give it to the lady. She takes her brown bag and remains by the counter. 

"Well... that's it. Thank you, have a good day." As in "Get out of here, predator!"

"Oh... yeah... ok... bye."

That's the type of thing that happens to me at Burger Boy.

Yes, I have three years' worth of stories like this one. OH, it just occurred to me --- let's do 5 most outrageous/horrible/insane moments at Burger Boy:

1. Woman with no pants (trousers) comes into the restaurant to order. I never notice she is not wearing pants because I only see her when she is already at the counter (the counter covers you from the waist down). I only see her purple thong when I hand her the food and she walks away. She was so high she didn't realize she was half naked (the naughty half).

2. When two white men beat up another white man out in the parking lot. I, hero that I am, rushed out to the parking lot in defense of the poor (probably drug-dealing) man, shouting 'LEAVE HIM ALONE, I AM CALLING THE COPS ON YOUR ASS!!!' Not my brightest moment, really.

3. When a drunkard who had ordered a burger and was drinking something from a brown bag fell asleep on one of our booths, and a high-ranked policeman came through the drive-thru:

"Do you think you could help me out, sir?"

"What do you need?"

"I got a drunkie sleeping in here and I'm pretty sure he's got some alcohol on him and he's not supposed to."

"Ah, let me make a call."

The poor sucker was escorted out by this very tall, Chuck Norris-sy looking cop.

4. That time I almost got into a fist fight with FOUR PEOPLE. Yes, clearly, I have Chuck Norris complex. Let me clarify: although I do have a bad temper, I never actually snap at people or threaten anyone... I am more passive-aggressive than anything else. But the one thing that gets me, just like Marty McFly and being called a chicken, is when people try to make a fool out of me (and I notice).

These people ordered food on the phone, then called to cancel the order (when it was already made), then called back from a different number and order different food, then came to pick it up. And I knew it was them, so I casually mentioned "oh, you called in an order for Travis?" "TRAVIS? HELL NO, HELL NO, ORDER FOR TINA... but if you want to give us Travis' food for free, we'll take it. It's not like Travis is coming... he told you he wasn't..."

SERIOUSLY? So I snapped. I slammed the drive-thru window close and I walked away, but these people honked and honked until I came back to the window and then it went down from there! Needless to say, one of the cooks had to pull me away from the window. I was trembling with rage. Not my proudest moment, internet. Yes, I did go to confession, thank you very much.

5. An inconvenient guest.
Once, a possum decided to give us a try. He came through the back door and caused havoc. How did we manage to get it out of the restaurant? Don't ask me, I jumped on top of the freezer, terrified. Have you seen those things? They are like apocalypse radio-active rats!! I'm not even going to post a pic/gif of one...

But they make good burger patties.

BONUS: People are ridiculous and fairly dumb. For Example:

"I want a cheeseburger all the way. Just meat and cheese."

"Can I get a cheeseburger, no cheese?"

"What? I didn't order a meat burger.... I wanted chicken."

"I need to get some french fries... I don't want them soft, but I don't want them crispy."

"I wanna get a salad, and please, I want it fresh."

"I need to buy 4 buns from you... what? 50 cents a piece? aww hell no!!"

Anyway, yes, it's a job to build on patience. You do see the worst of humanity: You see men taking advantage of poor, addiction-ridden women, people stealing, people trying to steal, people selling drugs, people being mean, rude, nasty, and inhumane. But you also see the best: people quietly buying a burger and fries for a homeless person, someone making a new friend with the person on the next table, people being nice, being grateful, being tender, old ladies hugging cooks and coworkers grieving for diseased customers, people enjoying food. It's really something. 

Well, this has been dragging on for long enough. I guess I didn't have to tell you all that. But my mom thinks I can make a living off blogging, so I gotta try to keep you entertained. Next time we see each other, internet, I will be back in Geordieland. 

xx