Darlings!
Greetings from the north of England, the lovely area of the UK no one ever knows about, right by that forgettable city with the bad football and the crazy geordie accent... something about a castle by the Thames? TYNE! Yes yes, Tyne.
I got back yesterday at around 6:30 pm, and let me tell you---boy do I have some stories for you!
"Shouldn't you be doing homework, Cris?" You ask. Well, don't worry about that--my jetlag is so bad I will be awake probably until 3 a.m.
Today, I woke up at 2 p.m. because my body thought it was barely 8 a.m. so let's just say we got all night.
Ok, so, like all awesome people, I gotta give you my TSA/airport/traveling funny anecdote, right? And you know I'm basically Buzzfeed, so I will turn it into a list (seriously, those people should give me a job).
1. After hours and hours of packing and trying to fit everything in two suitcases (one of them to be carry-on), I decided to just go ahead and pay for the overweight fee. Don't get me wrong, I didn't have that much stuff---I was able to close my big bag by calmly resting all my weight on it while zipping it up. It's just that I had heavy stuff. Kettle weights? Dumbbells? A Bowflex set? Well of course...not.
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!
More specifically, food that I am unable to find in England and that Amazon UK sells really expensive. Particularly the foundations of a Mexican existence: corn tortillas, jalapeños, Abuelita chocolate, chiles de arbol, Mole sauce... you get the picture. Add to that my American fatso favorites: pancake mix, pancake syrup, ranch dressing (light, mind you). You don't understand-- I don't like the taste of British pancakes... I want IHOPButtermilk pancakes in my life. And the only ranch they sell here is Paul Newman's. With all due respect, Mr. Newman (RIP), movies were your thing. Making salad dressing was sooooooooooooooo not.
Ironically, or rather, symbolically, my luggage was 20 pounds overweight because of its carrying too much food. And I said, fudge it, I will just pay the 70 dollar fee Lufthansa is going to charge me. I mean, I had a crockpot in there, you guys.
The problem came when my flight from Lufthansa was, in reality, operated by Satan's airline: United.
They charged me ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS! And you know me, I am as cheap as I am a food lover, so I was going through a real inner-conflict. But my mother, who is the voice of reason, insisted that I paid for the fee since I was going to need all the stuff I was taking.
Now that I look back, I wish I had done different:
a) Should have brought an extra piece of luggage. They were only charging 100 dollars for extra luggage.
b) Should have realized that all I was bringing was food that I shouldn't even be eating in the first place and should have given it up to finally change my eating habits to lead a healthier lifestyle.
DAMMIT, I SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT AN EXTRA SUITCASE TO THE AIRPORT!!!!!!!!!!!
So I paid, end of story. They took my bag, gave me my boarding pass, and I headed over to the TSA check-point.
2. I place my junk on the trays and entered the scanner. Here's something new: you know how people were making a big deal about the officers being able to see you naked and stuff? Well, as far as I know, they really don't because when I came out of the scanner I glanced at the screen where the officer was looking and it was just like this:
After the scan was over, I was waiting to collect my belongings when BOOM, tragedy strikes.
"Ok, we are going to check you bags, please don't touch anything while we search them."
Both of my bags were full of white powder: tortilla flour and pancake mix. A Colombian drug mule? No! Just an addict to carbohydrates.
But that's not the worst part. I, innocently (stupidly) had put the awesome Ninja Food Chopper that I bought at Target in my backpack because I didn't have enough space in my checked bag. And you know the thing about food processors...
they...
have...
So, I was basically a terrorist.
Luckily, the TSA agents were, prepare yourself for this, very nice. Nice enough, indeed, to take the Ninja back to my parents, who were very alarmed a few yards away thinking TSA was going to take all the Mexican food out of my bags. Shoutout to the TSA agents at Bush Airport!! Thanks for not taking me to jail!
Oh, but I have yet to mention the best part of it all.
Warning to my male viewers: the following contains a lot of talk about period-related stuff. Viewer discretion advised.
So..............
So far, I have not been able to find real maxipads in the UK...
The male TSA officer opens both of my bags to find hundreds and thousands of said product. And he has to work his way through my bag removing these items because they are just every-f-ing-where---hey, don't judge me, they are good cushions for other fragile stuff.
Oh, and what do you think the officer found when he opened the box of my Ninja Food Chopper? Yup. The chopper was being nicely protected ALL AROUND. Yup, he had to take all of those out. Man, I wish you could have seen his face, it was amazing, like "Omigosh what is this? I can't believe I gotta put up with this for a living."
To all of you who hate the TSA officers... you owe me. Payback's a beotch Always™
3. Score! I was able to get away with having two very large carry-ons because the plane was practically empty (because, let's face it, no one wants to fly on the devil's carriage, United Airlines).
"Well, I'm happy for you Cris, and Imma let you finish, but Virgin Atlantic had one of the best safety videos of all time!"
Look, do you want to know why I hate United? Because everyone else does, and I love the status quo! Also, they don't feed you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They gave us one small dinner--can't complain about the flavor, it was decent, but the quantity, the quantity.
Oh, and you know what they gave us for desert? A tiny-ass cookie that was the size of my thumb.
OOOH, and you know what we got for breakfast? A croissant for Barbies, three grapes, two pieces of cantaloupe, and three pieces of the green melon thingy.
IF I CAN HOLD MY WHOLE BREAKFAST IN MY HAND, IT'S NOT BREAKFAST!!! DON'T TRY TO PASS A SNACK FOR BREAKFAST!!! WORST AIRLINE EVER!!! DON'T THEY KNOW BREAKFAST IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY?!?!?!!?
On the bright side (we must always look at the bright side), the plane was so empty that I was able to claim FIVE seats as my territory. An aisle and window combo for watching movies and looking outside the window, and the uncomfortable middle seats (three) for an improvised bed, baby! That's right, I laid my body down in an airplane. Who needs first class seats? Not this chick!
I couldn't really sleep much, though. My fear of snoring/ talking in my sleep, and the crying baby in front of me did the trick. But it was so much better than trying to sleep while sitting and potentially breaking your neck. It also made the flight seem much shorter.
4. I got to London EARLY, so I had to wait for my train for two hours. I sat down on one of my bags and ate British Doritos and read like five pages of The Moonstone. Once I got on the train, I fell asleep, potentially breaking my neck. Then finally I got home, and got all OCD again. I cleaned the kitchen, the fridge, my room, unpacked my things, showered, etc etc etc. It's not easy being me (just kidding... it comes naturally).
5. The Return of the Jetlag: I went to sleep at 3 a.m. last night (this morning?) and I woke up at 2 p.m. today, just in time for an hour and thirty minutes of sun light. I went crazy at the grocery store and bought everything that crossed my path, so that the kitchen could be featured in an episode of Hoarders, but in a good, clean way, like "Look, hoarders! If you organize your crap like a game of tetris people won't think you are crazy anymore!!"
More for you next week!
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