My marriage was arranged to a man who was not even born yet.
It turns out that my next door neighbor, the Indian, and I seem to have fallen into this unhappy marriage dynamic, to the amusement of all my other flatmates and my readership.
Allow me to describe, in a brief list, what our relationship is like (dang, I'm turning into Buzzfeed over here).
1. I cook for him delicious meals which he eats, although most of the time he's has to find fault in them. "Good flavor, but it's dry. Needs something. Oh, here, let me ruin it with some garlic salt. GARLICGARLICGARLIC."
2. Sometimes he cooks and I commend him on his effort. For the most part. Except when he decides to fry mash potatoes. In that case I just tell him he's dumb.
3. He makes "jokes" /bullies me about my weight. I just met the guy. For Christ's sake.
4. We grocery shop together. Asking each other what we need/should buy.
5. We argue ALL THE TIME. While our friends laugh and think it cute/funny.
6. He openly tells me when he is going to the restroom to poop.
7. He talks about other women in front of me and sometimes even asks me for my opinion. Otherwise known as "I know you are cheating but I just ignore it because--"
8. We (obviously) sleep in separate bedrooms. This is the best part of the marriage.
9. He think my dad looks Indian.
10. Despite his obvious disregard for me, he offers to make me tea when I'm cramping.
AWWWW, HONEY!
He also said "I won't make jokes about feminine hygiene. PERIOD."
11. To eat a meal, we sit as far away from each other as possible.
12. We have the most absurdly stupid conversations.
13. We have absolutely nothing in common except for our political incorrectness, our hatred of philosophical and smart conversations, and our ugly humor.
14. He hates museums, art, history, literature. I know right? What was I thinking?
15. The other day when I got home late, he was in the kitchen stirring some tomato soup. He says "I feel like a stay-at-home dad. Honey, how was your day?"
16. He fixes my computer when the internet is not working and he solved my phone problems with a bunch of codes and whatnots.
17. He leaves his chanclas in the middle of MY room.
18. He's always complaining about my blog. He asked me to write a blog entry about him because isn't he important? Why do I never talk about him? Yet he hates my want for attention (demonstrated by the fact that I write a blog, instagram everything, and share too much on Facebook).
19. He wants me to spend money I don't have. It's like I'm the dude and he's the high-maintenance real housewife of Durham.
20. We find any type of physical contact, even a handshake, repulsive.
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