2-Uh-2-0h

"Gabriel, something's going on with this thing... 

I think The Matrix glitched or something... come take a look!"

 --God, sometime mid-March.

Dearest and most beloved of readers,

I am so grateful that you are not only alive still but that you are taking time from your busy day to read this junk still! If I have learned anything this year, it is that I am not nearly as good as I thought I was at any of the things I thought I was good at... writing included. So I know that you must be here out of the sheer devotion and affection (and possible sexual attraction--fingers crossed) you feel toward me.

As you can tell already, this will be one of those rare combo truth-bomb/reflection/complete nonsense posts! Because--let's be real: you do not need another 2020 reflection or a lecture on gratitude or a list of things that went great with me this year while everyone else was literally perishing. SO... I will do my best to keep the sermon to myself and to try to keep this light-hearted and brief (the latter being harder than the former). 

What a mess of a year we find ourselves finishing up, huh? I have watched so many people I care deeply about struggle with illness, death, and grief... unlike ever before. It has been sobering and humbling and heartbreaking... and I've found myself realizing that there is literally so little I can do to make a difference for people, especially when they are hurting so bad. Man, that sucks. I hate to even bring to light something that is difficult for me because it's not nearly as difficult as whatever everyone else seems to be going through, but I suppose it's important to discuss it, just in case anyone else is feeling this way. So if you feel like 2020 has finally proven to the world and to yourself that you are, in fact, a failure and a horrible spouse/worker/sibling/child/friend/human, you are not alone in that boat. Feeling so powerless when you are used to getting reassurance about who you are by how much you help others is kind of mind-boggling. Just keep reminding yourself that it's okay to feel this, that you are not alone in this feeling, and that there will come a time again in life when you'll feel useful again.

And we will eventually feel whole again. And peaceful. And joyful. And productive. And sexy as hell.

Now, I said I wasn't gonna be preachy, but I literally can't even keep my promise. This is how bad at being helpful I've become, ya'll. Anyway, I won't tell you to be grateful, though. You know what you need to do, to pull yourself out of the funk. To see color again. Hopefully, it isn't drugs (I mean, illegal drugs... prescription drugs are cool... as long as you follow the recipe, ya know? You get it). What I WILL say is, rediscover the things that make you joyful (and again, hopefully, these do not involve something horribly devious or weird like collecting people's nail clippings). 

These are some of the things I am planning on including in my life more during 2021: 

More Korean Dramas

More walking like a T-rex
More tacos, crepes, and sushi

More time outdoors

More dancing in public spaces

More dancing in kitchens and bathrooms

More writing on this blog space

More ukulele songs

More piano songs poorly played and sung

More hugs

More making my girlfriends uncomfortable with my undying adoration

More singing in the car

More studying (that one is out of necessity, not out of love, ugh... but it's for my own good)

More traveling, especially to go see my Elena graduate from novitiate school (not actually a graduation and not actually called novitiate school) and to party with my Dr. Pip, who is also graduating (and might murder me for calling her Pip).

More Holy Hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament

At the risk of rubbing it in and despite what I said earlier, this year gave me some really strangely and beautifully simple things that I will treasure forever: the joy of feeding people in my apartment, the contentment of quarantining from March until July with just God's presence in my home and feeling absolutely at ease in His company, the peace of mind of having a new car (ya, that happened!), the exhilaration of embarking in this nursing journey, and the utterly delightful surprise of learning just how much FRIENDS care about you and want you to succeed. What a beauty.

Before I sign off, I do want to take the time to give the proper shoutouts to people (I told you I wasn't gonna preach to you about gratitude... but that doesn't mean I don't want to be grateful myself).

First and foremost: to Lauren Nicole, who loves me to the best of her ability and strives to help me despite whatever crippling obstacles she has to face on a day to day basis.

Secondly, and in that same vein, to my dearest adoptive-mom, Joanne, who constantly thinks of me and wants to see me succeed. 

Third, to my beloved Wees, who have shown me what it means to trust the Lord in times of adversity. Particularly grateful for my Henry. Elisabeth--you inspire me more than I can ever express. You are a wonder and a force of nature and such a beautiful Saint in the making. 

Next, I'd like to thank all the RELIGIOUS SISTERS I met this year and who have had a profound impact in my life, particularly Sr. Melinda, Sr. Maria Kim, Sr. Aloysius, and Sr. Catherine. Along with that, also super grateful for the women I've met who are discerning the religious life, particularly my Elena (Sr. Lucy), Lindsey, Rachel Clare, Sr. Cooey and Sr. Dominic. 

 Then, I want to give a shoutout to my dear friends who are always checking up on me: Moni, Claire, Ada, and Lou. Ya'll are so good and gracious to me.

Lastly but not leastly (that's a nursing school inside joke, sorry):

Jessica, thank you for loving me from the get-go.

Kimberly, thank you for your sweet and calming presence in my life.

Marisela, thank you for being my big sister.

Cara, thank you for being my love. 

Of course, no thanks are greater than the ones given to my Beloved, the Lord of Time, Space, and the Universe, my Savior and my All, for being so real and present and tangible all these months. And while I'm at it... also thanking my role models, the Saints, for pointing me to Him, particularly my Mama Mary and my Papa Joe. May my heart always belong to the Sacred Heart of my Beloved,  the Immaculate Heart of my Mama, and the Chaste Heart of my Papa. And may everything I do be for THE GREATER GLORY OF GOD.

Jezu ufam tobie.

Totus Tuus, Maria.

St. Joseph, Terror of Demons, pray for me!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, LADS!