Lourdes and Other Concerns

Hi there.

WARNING: the following will be an uber-Catholic post. Deal with it, yo!

I left Paris at 11 p.m. on a Friday night to take an 8 hour train ride to Lourdes, France. I got to sit next to "Gary" (who turned out to be Greg, after all), a Hungarian dude with hair down to the hip and cool tattoos and piercings who was on his way to El Camino de Santiago. Greg and I talked for a while until I fell asleep, waking up every 30 minutes to make sure I wouldn't miss Lourdes (the train was going further than just Lourdes). 

I arrived in Lourdes before dawn, which meant I had to wait around the train station for about an hour and a half for the sun to rise--mind you, I had no GPS and a very crappy map, so I didn't even know how to find my hotel or if I could check in so early. Once the sun came up, I started exploring the small town that is Lourdes. At first, you are taken aback by the beautiful mountains-- ah, a glimpse of the Pyrenees. Then, you make your way into town and get to see the castle on top of the hill.

After wandering around with a map in a town where street names don't seem to be relevant, I found my hostel and checked in. My room: purple explosion! Just like the Pink Room in Rome, but this time terrifyingly violet/lilac/purple. I set out at around 8:30 a.m. to get to the sanctuary to attend mass--

Parenthesis: In case you are wondering why on earth did I choose to go to Lourdes, allow me to Catholic-geek on you. Lourdes is the most visited pilgrimage site for Catholics in the world. It is the place where the Virgin Mary appeared to a peasant girl named Bernadette Soubirous in the 19th century. Our Lady told Bernadette that a church needed to be built at the site of the apparition, in a grotto on the outskirts of the town. 

Anyway, I didn't make it to mass at 9 a.m. because I got lost in the tiny town and couldn't find the sanctuary (really, the multitude walking toward the same direction didn't give me a clue at all). So I got REALLY angry... probably because I was super hungry and tired. I didn't even want to go to mass anymore. I just wanted to find the place so I could shake my fist to the wind!

So after what felt like a million years. I found it. And you know what happened?

The two-day Tear Fest began. OVER-FREAKING-WHELMING. I mean, the moment I walked across the gates of the sanctuary it was like being overcome by all the feels--ALL THE CATHOLIC FEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I suppose we can break it down as follows:

1) Guilt: GOD, I JUST GOT MAD ABOUT THE STUPIDEST THING ON EARTH WHILE BEING ON THIS AMAZING TRIP AND IN THIS AMAZING PLACE WHERE OUR LADY APPEARED!!!!!!!!!

2) Gratefulness: OH MY JESUS, YOU ARE SO AMAZING, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M HERE, THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE!!!

3) Guilt: I AM HERE, I DON'T DESERVE THIS! SO MANY PEOPLE SUFFER HORRIBLY IN THE WORLD AND YET HERE I AM, IN LOURDES.

4) Overwhelming love: YOU ARE SO GOOD TO ME, GOD, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME!!!

5) Guilt: AND YET I GET SO ANGRY ABOUT SILLY THINGS AND I'M NOT WHO I'M SUPPOSED TO BE AND I DON'T ACT LIKE I SHOULD ACT AND I AM JUST THE WORST!!!!

6) Hope: BUT YOU DIED FOR ME ON THE CROSS AND LOVE ME ANYWAY AND WANT ME TO BE HAPPY AND WANT TO STAY WITH ME FOREVER

7) Guilt: AND I AM ALWAYS SINNING AND BEING AWFUL AND I DON'T DESERVE YOUR LOVE AND WHY AM I EVEN HERE? WHY DO YOU EVEN GIVE ME NICE THINGS? WHO AM I? NO ONE--NO ONE!!!

8) Peace: *BREATHES IN SLOWLY* BUT YOU LOVE ME. AND YOU ARE GOOD TO ME. AND YOU ARE ALWAYS WITH ME. AND I LOVE YOU. YOU AND I, ALWAYS. 

9) Joy: ALL THE ALLELUIAS AND PRAISES TO GOD!!!!!! LIFE IS AMAZING!!!!!!

10) MAMA MARY, YOU ARE HERE TOO, I CAN FEEL YOUR PRESENCE--IT'S SO POWERFUL. YOU ARE MY MOMMY AND YOU LOVE ME AND YOU ARE ALWAYS LOOKING AFTER ME AND TAKING CARE OF ME AND I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!! AND I'M SO LUCKY TO BE CATHOLICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Repeat steps 1-10 several times in a day. That was my Lourdes emotional roller coaster: beautiful, dramatic, unsettling, peaceful, dramatic, joyful, dramatic... DRAMATIC. I think I finally understand what 'Catholic Guilt' is. But yes, Eucharistic tears, rosary tears, procession tears, reconciliation tears, walking tears, eating and crying because you start thinking about the whole day, tears before bed, tears, tears, tears. 

Plus, I don't think I've ever prayed so much (willingly) in 24 hours. It was wonderful. Add to that the fact that everything around you is utterly beautiful and you have the perfect place for prayer and reflection.

Mama

Like a Disney Castle... for the Catholic princess

the grotto where Our Lady appeared

KING

It's been a bit over a month since my trip to Lourdes and I reflect on it all as I sit here in the darkness of the night on the 30th of October. The memories of Lourdes combine with the memories of the 30th of October of last year to put me in a strange mood. Exactly one year ago, I received a text message sometime in the middle of the night that told me my grandmother had died after battling what basically was hospital negligence for two months. 

One of the things that contributed to the Tear Fest in Lourdes was the constant presence of my grandma on my mind during the trip-- partly because she LOVED Mama Mary and partly because I could feel her being so so happy that I was in Lourdes. I can't even attempt to glamorize my grandma's death: the truth is that it was a terrible, slow, excruciating passion. I witnessed it-- the images still haunt my mind and the memory of it stabs my heart as brutally as if it had just happened today. 

I went to mass today thinking that I would be there to support my mum, but I quickly realized that the wound is still so fresh and exposed that I would be the one needing consolation. During the consecration, when images of the passion and death of Christ passed my mind as His body and blood were "given up for you for the forgiveness of sins", I could see those terrible images of my grandmother in the hospital paired up with the last moments of Jesus. 

"And a sword will pierce your heart." LUKE 2: 35

I think it's the way she died that really haunts me, because I know that she is now happy in heaven. But the death... was it really necessary? I don't think I will ever understand. But what I do know is that Mary's heart was pierced just like mine, and that she still managed to accept the will of God and to love. Mary accompanies me in my ache and my hurt, she stands by me at all times and lovingly tells me that she understands my pain and that she will be with me always. I know she was with her all throughout the illness just as she was with Jesus all throughout the Passion. Mary, suffering Mary, weeping Mary, loving Mary, steadfast Mary. Always. Unwavering love, unwavering faith, unwavering submission to the will of God. 

I don't know when true acceptance will come. But it is a relief to know myself loved, taken care of, and accompanied by the Mother of God. Abuelita, missing you doesn't seem to cease with time. I love you forever. You are always with me. 

 Par Marie à Jésus