Random stuff, part 2.

1. Acronyms are idiotic. They are confusing and it takes longer to explain them than to just say the words. I just felt like I had to get that out there.

2. The comforting thought of being a national of the World's fattest country living in the World's second fattest country. Who can blame me? I got both Nature AND Nurture against me!!!!

3. Eaves-dropping at its worst:

    Man: have you seen her? She must have been walking around here. She's small and has dark hair.

    Me: Oh, you lost your dog?

    Man: No... my girlfriend. 

Man: she's small, has dark hair. A nice body. Fake boobs.

4. Drinking tea with milk and sugar makes you a douchy snob if you're not in the UK, or so I hear. I'm sorry that I'm better than you and I have traveled the world (sort of) and I appreciate that tea doesn't give me putrid breath like coffee seems to do to everyone else. What's that you say? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of my sipping my delicious Early Grey from my delicate fine-china teacup while listening to Chopin on my 1920s gramophone. Besides, the Countess Dowager was telling me the funniest story about how her silly late-husband shot one of the servants accidentally once.

5. People working in the restaurant industry win heaven by martyrdom of the customer service type.

Man: hello, I'm calling because I found you online and I'm looking for a place to eat. What kind of burgers do you have?

Me: OH, I DON'T KNOW, THE KIND WITH THE DEAD COW AND THE BREAD AND THE FATTY CHEESE THAT WILL BLOCK YOUR ARTERIES?

Me (what I actually said): what do you mean what kind of burgers, sir? 

Man: yeah, what kind? I'm looking for something to eat. Are your burgers good?

Me: SURELY NOT SIR, THEY ARE A MOUTHFUL OF HORSE SHIT.

Me (what I actually said): Yes, they are good. We have cheeseburgers, and bacon burgers, and barbecue burgers...

Man: but how good are they? If I'm going to drive all the way to your restaurant I need to know if it's worth it. I need you to make me want to.

Me: MAKE YOU WANT TO WHAT? I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS WAS A SEX HOTLINE. 

Me (what I actually said): Well, they are good burgers, we've been here for 30+ years, I don't know what else you want me to say...

Man: well, I'm just looking for something good and exotic.

Me: THIS IS A CLASSIC AMERICAN FOOD RESTAURANT, NOT A THAI MASSAGE PARLOUR. 

Me (what I actually said): well, we sell burgers, sir, it doesn't get any less exotic than that....

Man: okay.Thanks. *HANGS UP*

Random stuff, part 1.

    On this day, January 6th, 2015,  mother cooked a side dish of liver and onions because my grandfather is visiting. I thought it was noteworthy enough for this blog, since mother despises the dish and never makes it for us. But, liver is coincidentally my favourite meat. Its rubbery yet soft texture; its bizarre meaty-yet-earthy flavour. I know you just said "eww, how could you?" but I don't care. Judge me all you want. I still have more iron and hemoglobin in my bloodstream than you.

Father enjoys liver and onions, too. He is also left-handed. That is another trait I seem to have inherited from him (along with my general eccentricity and tendency for ill-timed jokes). Today during dinner there were six people sitting at table; four of them left-handed. How is that statistically possible at all? Consider this: three of the four people are not related by blood at all. I am the only link between all of them.

Only 10% of the world's population is left-handed? Not at this table. Here, right-handed people are as  under-represented as everyone  else  in the American Congress.

What else do we know about lefties?

From: http://leftyfretz.com/25-facts-about-left-handed-people/

• More likely to have allergies---- FALSE. It is a truth universally acknowledged that allergies are a #firstworldprob caused by the need to complain of those who live comfortably.
  
• More prone to migraines---- TRUE. Who wouldn't be when you have to live in a world where everything ever made was for a righty? Scissors, notebooks, peelers, can openers, guitars.
  
• More likely to be insomniacs--- FALSE. Mother is right-handed and the biggest insomniac I know. So is my sister, Lucinda Marie (Okay, that's not her name... but I found this name in a list of rich people names where her name was also noted).
  
• Three times more likely to become alcoholics--- TRUE. As is the case with all minorities. We're a minority! Think of Native Americans. Think of the Irish. When I think of left-handed people the Irish always come to mind. But when I think of alcoholics, the Russians come to mind.... I wonder what's their percentage of left-handed people...
  
• More likely to be on extreme poles of the intelligence scale--- FALSE. Because we're all f***** brilliant. Just looking around this table. Not saying we're great at making life-choices... but the book-smart part of it is there.
  
• More likely to suffer stuttering and dyslexia---TRUE. Like when I'm asked "how are you?" and I respond "fyood" or "gooll" or "fyell" or "wool/weld/wood" or in short any combination of good, fine, and well. I have a feeling this is a result of awkwardness, not left-handedness.
  
• Twice as likely to be man---THAT'S NOT WHAT YOUR MUM SAYS. BUUUURNNN. But, really, that's not what the three females around the table indicated, as far as I know (though I suppose I should only speak for myself--- *BRB*--- yep, it's still all there, still a woman). Now, if they mean man in the sense of Captain Shang... then I'm totally one.
  
• Better at 3D perception and thinking--- WELL, LOADED STATEMENT. 3D movies make me super nauseated. Better at thinking? About what?
  
• Better at multi-tasking---FO SHO. If not, how do you explain my taking my online classes while I'm writing this blog AND  listening to a Catholic talk AND to Taylor Swift? Wait, what was this blog about and what is a lesson plan?
  
• Live on average 9 years less than right-handed people--- GREAT. It's not enough to be discriminated with stationary and musical instruments. We also have to die. Isn't it enough that you are the majority of the population, righties? Why can't you just live and let live? Well at least we've got the Jesuits and the Illuminati... (of the seven last US Presidents, four were left-handed). WE'RE GONNA GET YOU BACK.
  
• 39% more likely to be homosexual. OHHH. The Spanish saying "he swings the bat to the other side" finally makes so. much. sense. Well, sadly the gayfties (LOL) were not represented at all in our little gathering.
  
• Make especially good baseball players, tennis players, swimmers, etc--- TRUE. Because we are just amazing at sports.
  
• More likely to pursue creative careers---BOY, AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH. Like I said previously, the intelligence is there, but the life choices? Not so much.
  
• Left-handed college graduates go on to become 26% richer than right handed graduates-- FALSE. Read bullet-point above. This is a direct contradiction. Take it from the three left-handed teachers sitting at table today. Although---if we are more likely to be gay.... then I guess it does makes sense, eh? #fabulous #diva
  
• Left-handed people are the best lovers--- TRUE. I know because I made that up.

Ah, what a great day to debunk myths about our leftiness. To think that this post was supposed to be a bunch of random stuff! And look, now it's turned into this madness! Don't blame me... I'm just left-handed. I think I deserve a handicapped parking permit. 

PEACE!